


I’d give up forever to touch you (feel me somehow).

by louisprettybby



Category: City of Angels (1998), One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-19
Updated: 2015-12-30
Packaged: 2018-04-05 02:58:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 27,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4163085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/louisprettybby/pseuds/louisprettybby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the story of Louis, an angel who wanders the streets of New York City invisible to humans. As the demise of an individual approaches, he spends time near them and becomes visible while acting as their traveling companion during their trip to the great hereafter. Louis loves who he is and what he does and the thought of being human never even crossed his mind until he discovers a distraught heart surgeon, Harry Styles, who has him wishing he was human and hoping  to forego his immortality and exist on earth with him as a feeling and mortal entity.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One.

My job was a hard job and it didn't even pay me, I got nothing out of it, not even a single feeling but for a long time I believed that it was better this way that I was one of the lucky ones because I couldn't touch, feel, smell, or be seen and isn't that a good thing, isn't that what people wanted to not be able to feel anything, to be an angel?

I knew when someone was dying before a doctor, a parent or even they them-self knew they were coming close to the end of the tunnel.

I sat in a sick little girl’s bedroom she had no hair on her scalp not a single strand and her fairy lights in the small bedroom lit up her pale face. I sat in the wooden rocking chair next to her twin bed where I could see her bones through her thin soft pink bed sheets. By the looks of it she was only 6 or 7 she was young, but you were never too young to go to heaven.

"Mo-mom" she croaked her voice was dry as if she hadn't spoken in hours, it was so quiet it was a shock her mom had heard and came rushing into the little girls room busting the white door open, the women was even more pale then the daughter and she was frantic and sweating, thermometer in her right hand.

"Ma-" the little girl tried again trying to tell her mom that she couldn't breathe.

"Sh- shh baby I got you" the mom shushed her, wrapping her up in the thin sheet and putting the thermometer in the little girls mouth.

"105!" the mom screeched wrapping both arms around the thin little girl "BRUCE CALL THE AMBULANCE" the women shouted trough the door she came in from.

"Stay with me baby please baby girl stay with me" the mom was full on sobbing now and that's when the little girl saw me. 

"Who are you?" She asked me voice quiet as her mom lifted her over her shoulder and rushed down the stairs.

"I'm here to take you away" I said reaching out for the little girl and that's when the little girl smiled and shut her eyes.

****

That had to be the hardest part of my jog or task, watching someone who loved another person die and they know they were going to die yet they try and try again hoping for a miracle.

I followed the little girl’s family to the hospital and even into the emergency wing in the hospital where I met most of my "clients" the ones I took away.

They tried for two hours to get the girls thermometer down and her heart rate back, until the little girl reached for me and I took her away, the heart scanner made a long screeching sound signaling the end and the mom’s wails could be heard down the corridor as I walked hand in hand with the petite little girl.

"Can my mom come with?" was the first thing she asked me.

"No" the words slipped out of my mouth easily and in the distance you could hear the mother repeating the words "please" over and over again.  
"She won't understand but someday she will join us"

"Someday." the girl repeated smiling up at me.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yes" the little girl didn't hesitate.

"What did you like best about being human?"

"Pajamas"

"Pajamas?"

"Yeah the little onesie ones with the feet" 

She definitely knew what she liked.

***   
"Do you even wonder what it would be like to...?” I was sitting on the roof of the Empire State Building, watching humans interact and just live all around me and below me with Liam, he was an angel like me; he had golden skin, kind brown eyes and slight chest and arm muscles. Liam was my best friend well if you would define someone who you talked to everyday as a friend, it's not as if you can feel what it's like to be so close to someone that you care for them on an emotional level when your an angel, but if I could feel a human feeling of care, I’m sure that I would care for Liam.

"I know what you're going to say and the answer is no" Liam replied he took a deep breath before looking at me. "I don't want to be human."

"I wasn't going to ask that you twat" I laughed shoving him a bit by the shoulder which didn't do anything really; Angels had none of their senses, including touch.

"No? What were you going to ask then?"

"Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be able to touch to smell to....love" My voice was quiet as I said the last word, what even was love? 

"Tough client?" Liam asked me skeptically.

"Aren't they always, little seven year old girl she had cancer but saw me before I touched her." Most humans couldn't see us and the thought of them being able to see us when they wanted to made my heart speed up.

"You know some children can see us, children can detect the unseen" 

"What about adults?"

"Only if you want to be seen by them" which wow okay, this was new information to me.

"Did you ask the little girl what she liked best?" Liam spoke again, changing the subject when he saw my mind churning with thoughts about humans being able to see us.

"Yeah, pajamas."

*****  
Harry loved his job he did, what could be better than being a surgeon and saving lives?

Absolutely nothing, he hummed to himself as he stepped out of the bright yellow taxi and onto the New York City sidewalk, in front of him stood a huge 10 floor yellow building.

North Side General Hospital, right through the big white double doors was where harry was supposed to perform heart surgery on a 41 year old man. Most surgeons were a little nervous the day of a big surgery, it was expected to be a little nervous, someone’s life was in your hands, but not harry.

Harry trusted that he had control of everything that happened in the surgery room, he trusted he was going to follow the books and everything he had learned and perform a simple heart surgery.

“Good Morning Niall” Harry called out spotting the blonde holding the elevator for him.

“Hey styles, big day today eh?” Niall asked his thick Irish accent shining trough. Niall was quite the character, loud and bubbly, perfect for being a pediatrician and watching over dozens of babies a day.

“Eh, not that big” Harry laughed downplaying the surgery that was scheduled today.

“Right, this is me have a good one lad.” Niall said winking, before stepping out of the large elevator onto the nursery floor.

Harry went up three more floors before he stepped out on floor eight, where all the major surgeries took place.

He made his way to the locker room where he threw his long curls in a bun and put on his surgeon mask, hair mask, baby blue scrubs and coat on.

“Dr. Styles?” A female nurse called from behind the desk.

“Yeah Gemma?”

“um the patient wants to speak to you before the surgery” She looked through a few papers before she looked back up “Exam room 133”

“Thank you” Harry hummed making his way down the corridor.

“Yeah so it’s a simple procedure nothing to worry about” Harry said as soon as he strolled into the exam room, the patient was laying on a flat bed, blue plastic robe already on, around him were three female nurses hooking him up to wires and machines.

“That’s not what I want to hear; well it is but just come here for a sec doctor…”

“Styles” Harry answered stepping up to the bed.

“My wife and kids are in that room trough those doors, I can’t leave them” the man said clutching onto Harry’s large hand.

Harry looked up at his co-workers for some kind of answer or anything, why did this man have doubt.

“He’s been out of it all day” one nurse said, and harry nodded his head before looking back down at the patient. “It’s going to be okay pal” Harry answered him, giving the patient a tight smile.

Which was far from the truth, the procedure didn’t go as planned, Harry didn’t understand it one bit, everything was going okay why did his heart stop reacting, this wasn’t part of his books this wasn’t supposed to happen.

“Do we have time to cut him again try the procedure again?!” Harry hollered frantic, blood covering his clear gloves.

“We have seven seconds to buzz him and get you back again” a nurse whispered.

“THAT TAKES MINUTES” Harry tried to keep calm as he searched his brain for something, anything that he had learned.

“BUZZ HIM AGAIN” and that’s when harry felt it, there was someone or something in the room, he looked around the room and then back at the dying man in front of him, he looked back up when he felt the presence right next to him.

There was a second of complete silence before the patient’s heart monitor made a long screeching noise, signaling the end and then not even a second later the presence was gone.

****

“Ms. Kravitz?” harry called as he stepped into the waiting room, He had delivered bad news before, of course he had he was a doctor, but never this, never a death.

“Here” A women called smiling at harry, she was a thin women with blonde hair, a few wrinkles on her face and wearing a black fitted pant suit. Next to her were two children both girls one looked 9 or 10 and the other in her late teens, they all had blond hair and harry felt like he was being kicked in the gut when the women smiled at him.

“How did the surgery go?” she asked standing and offering harry a palm to shake.

“I’m so sorry” Harry blurted pulling his hand out of the women’s hand. I’m so sorry I’m so sorry I’m sorry. Harry repeated it like a mantra in his head.  
The women’s smile fell and her pupils seemed to grow two-fold. “What?” the youngest daughter whispered eyeing harry.

“Er- your da- husba- um Mr. Kravitz he didn’t um, the surgery didn’t go well, his heart gave out” Harry’s voice was barely even a whisper but the next thing he knew the two girls were clutching onto their frozen mother howling, face red and wet.

Harry stayed with them for 50 minutes, not talking to them just holding the girls calming them down and prying them away from their mother’s limbs. Harry contained his emotions keeping a straight face around the now broken family; he didn’t want his face to show that he had failed them, even though that was obvious.

1000 questions raced through Harry’s head again as he climbed the stairs to the roof, as soon as he reached the gravel covered roof, he broke down letting his frustration show trough angry tears, this wasn’t supposed to happen, this was not how simple things happened. Everything was supposed to be okay.

He kept crying even when he felt the presence again, right in front of him.


	2. Chapter Two.

"It was the weirdest fucking thing" I whispered shouted to Liam even though no one would be able to hear us. I could shout at the top of my lungs if I wanted too but that would be a little rude seeing as we were walking down the shiny hospital corridor.

"I don't believe it, that's never happened" Liam sighed, looking in every door as we walked.

"I swear Liam, he like felt me or saw me I don't know what it was but he knew I'm telling you he knew" I thought of a million different ways in my head to tell Liam what happened in the emergency surgery room and the roof without sounding crazy but I still managed to sound like a lunatic.

"You know humans can only see you if you want to be seen" Liam said looking at me warily.

"Is it so wrong to want to be seen by someone?" I muttered to myself but Liam had heard because he opened his mouth to talk but was abruptly cut off by someone down the corridor saying.

"Excuse me sir you can't be here." It was a soft raspy voice and the next thing I knew he was walking towards me.

"Fuck Liam it's him!!" I turned to Liam but he was already gone.

"Who are you talking to? I'm sorry but you can't be here visiting hours are over" He was really in front of him; he could see him and holy fuck he was actually speaking to him like a human.

"Why is that harry?" I asked stepping away from the elevator there was no way I was going anywhere now that he could see me.

"Why is what? Who are you?" He asked, he tried to put a stern demanding face but I could see the corner of his lips turning upwards.

"I'm Louis" I said smirking and stepping up to him to shake his hand.

We stood there for exactly 11.3 seconds hand in hand staring at each other.

"Right um visiting hours are over" harry said pulling his hand out of mine and looking around the empty corridor awkwardly.

"Why is there a set time to visit someone and maybe I came to visit you?" I said leaning my head just a little too close to him.

"I'm not ill; I'm one of the doctors here" He said like it was the most obvious thing.

"You're not ill? You look sad almost in despair"

He looked at me shocked opening his mouth and then closing it again.  
He looked down the corridor again before answering me.

"I lost one of my patients" the complete look of sadness that took over his face when he said those words made me want to wrap my arms around him and just hold him, but I couldn't, I physically couldn't.

"You did everything you could?"

"I was holding his heart in my hand when he died"

"Then he wasn't alone"

"Yes, he was"

"People die"

"Not on my table"

"It wasn't you're fault you did everything you could"

"I wanted him to live"

"He is living, just not the way you want him to live"

"I don't believe in that bullshit"

"Some things are real whether you believe in them or not"

There was a long pause then where the lanky boy in blue scrubs just stared at me like I was unordinary, well I was but he didn't know that.

"How did you know my name" he broke the silence, smiling at me now.

I just pointed to the I.D attached to his scrubs, winked at him and walked down the corridor disappearing from the hospital in awe.

later that night when harry changed out of his scrubs into a black and red flannel and black jeans he looked at his I.D and saw that it only said "Styles" on their and not Harry.

****

"What are you doing in here?" Niall asked harry, when he spotted harry in the nursery surrounded by dozens of sleeping babies. He wasn't actually looking at the babies just staring at the wall thinking.

"Babies calm me down" Harry signed smiling up at Niall.

"I think you’re the first person to ever say that weirdo" Niall laughed checking some paperwork that looked like birth certificates from where harry was standing. "What do you need calming down for anyway, you gotta surgery today?"

"Not today its two days from now but its the first one since the you know..."

"Don't be so hard on yourself man these things happen you tried everything" Niall sighed, he put the paperwork down and rushed over to a baby who started crying picking the little blanket burrito up and placing he/she on his shoulder.

When the baby stopped crying harry walked over to Niall and took the baby from Niall’s hands, cocooning it gently and rocking it back and forth in his arms.

"It's not about that it’s just..” harry stopped not knowing how to put into words that he no longer felt in control of everything that happened in the surgery room.

Niall was patiently waiting for harry to let it out.

“I suddenly have this weird feeling that nothing is in my hands, I can’t really control anything, and the thought makes me sick to my stomach.”

******

The Grand Central Library was where most angels stayed it was where they could discover what humans were like, what was going on in the world and in humans head.

Angels couldn’t physically pick up a book and read it but if someone was reading a book they could stand near them and read what was going on in their mind, what they were thinking and reading.

Louis had been in the library for three hours, he had read over 50 minds but nothing satisfied him, nothing matched or even came close to the buzzing feeling he felt when he actually talked to a human, or more importantly when he talked to harry .

Louis had given up looking for entertainment and opted for finding someone who was reading a book that perfectly described Harry’s green mixed with brown eye color and golden chiseled jaw, no book came close to defining the beauty that was harry.

Louis did find a girl who was sitting in the poetry section of the third floor reading a tiny book, Louis didn’t give it a second thought sitting next to girl, and she had a thin face and long brunette hair.

She looked up from her book when I sat down, she looked around and I smirked as her eyebrows furrowed in confusion before looking back down the book, she read a few poems and I came to the conclusion that it was book filled with love poems.

The next poem the girl read had my ears perking up.

**Green Eyes**

  
_Drowning my heart with his eyes,_  
 _Conjuring passion that never dies,_  
 _So irresistible the pair of green,_  
 _Engraved on my mind a beautiful scene,_  
 _Bright, serene and filled with mystery,_  
 _Amazing how it sparks the chemistry,_  
 _Merely gazing at them makes me cheer,_  
 _Gives me hope and sets my mind clear,_  
 _Brilliance glaring from the mellow iris,_  
 _Looking through them is truly a bliss._

 

I waited next to the girl until she was done with the thin pink book; she placed it back on the shelf and got up dusting her yellow skirt off and walking down the staircase. I looked around the now almost empty library before turning back to the book shelf and grabbing the pink book and tucking it under my long black coat.

*******

It was hard for harry to get a proper rest anymore, ever since the failed surgery. He was lucky if get 5 hours of peaceful rest without waking up in the middle of the night and most of his nights mostly consisted of lying awake staring at the ceiling and thinking of a certain boy with blue eyes and perfectly carved cheekbones.

Harry didn't know who he was or anything about him but he couldn't help but want to know everything about him, his boyfriend Ben didn't even cross his mind until the next day when he woke up in a pile of sweat, he reached for his phone on the nightstand blindly grabbing it and squinting at the bright screen that read 2:17 am. He huffed putting the phone down but not before his hand connected with a tiny piece of cardboard on his nightstand.

He quickly sat up in his bed and turned the bedside lamp on the small glow of the light showed that the cardboard was actually a tiny pink book titled "poems about a first love." Harry didn't remember checking the book or out ever even seeing the book before.

He propped the pillow up behind him, pink book in hand and leaned back. The first page had a library stamp on it from the library that was across the street from the hospital.

he read a few poems until he got to a page that was folded, the poem on the folded page was called green eyes and it was clearly about him, someone obviously left this here intentionally wanting him to read it. Harry knew it was probably Ben, seeing as he had the key to his apartment and was his boyfriend after all.

But harry couldn't see his boring paramedic boyfriend of two years being a sap and being thoughtful enough as to think of harry while reading poetry and that's when his mind drifted to Louis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fanfic is dedicated to the owner of this account flavia (her twitter is @/badpostlwt) shes letting me use her ao3 and post this fic for her on here. This fic is associated with the City Of Angels Movie (1998). My twitter is @/larriemix and my tumblr is larry-grunge.tumblr.com . Thank you for reading and please share.  
> I update once a week usually on Wednesday or Thursday.  
> All Rights Reserved  
> Copyright © louisprettybaby


	3. Chapter Three.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All rights Reserved to louisprettybby

Harry packed the tiny pink book with the rest of his work stuff the next day, if it was checked out from the library like the sticker said it was, Ben would probably want it back.

Harry had to perform his first surgery today since the incident but he was sure he would see Ben afterwards, since Ben was always coming in and out of the hospital. 

Still he texted Ben anyway.

*Hey do you want to meet up for lunch?*

Harry didn't get a text back until 20 minutes later when he had gotten to the hospital and he wasn't surprised that Ben had denied yet again and sent his a straight forward texting saying "can't busy".

Harry scolded himself for rolling his eyes when he got the text back. He loved Ben he did; they had been in a steady relationship for almost two years. Harry knew that their relationship would come off as boring to other people but that's who Ben was and after everything that harry had been trough in the past he needed and deserved someone who was going to be a constant in his life and Ben was going to be that guy.

Harry stuffed his phone back in his pocket and went to the locker room to change into his scrubs he had to give surgery in an hour and although it was a minor knee surgery and it was highly impossible for anyone to die from a knee surgery he couldn't help but think that even if everything went wrong, whatever happened was meant to happen.

***  
It was nice to see a smiling happy harry doing what he loved in the surgery room and it was kind of cute how he would talk to the patients even though they were unconscious and couldn't hear him.

Louis had returned to the hospital every day since harry had seen him and would observe and watch Harry closely he was the best with small patients, Louis couldn't help but let his imagination run wild when he saw harry with the little ones or with anyone to be completely honest.

Harry was talking to the unconscious knee surgery patient and Louis stood by the door observing him closely.

"You hang in their buddy yeah?" 

"You need your knee to do so many things." Harry said going to the shelf behind him to change his pair of gloves for the next step.

"Like to ride a bike"

"Walk normally"

"Drive a car"

"Run after cute boys to get their phone number" Louis head shot up as the words left Harry’s mouth he was smiling and looking cute with his cute stupid hair mask on and stupid cute blush.

"Cute boys eh? Met someone new?" A small voice asked. 

Louis had almost forgotten that harry and him weren't the only ones in the room, he forgot that there was two other nurses adorned in red scrubs in the room helping Harry out.

"You know I'm with Ben right?" Harry said rolling his eyes at the nurse.

"That's not what I asked Harry" the same nurse said whilst attaching a small tube to a silver machine.

"His names Louis, only saw him once so wipe that smirk off Jesy" harry was blushing beet red now and he slid his face mask on to hide the blush returning to the task at hand.

Louis didn't focus on anything after that because all he could think about was what a phone or phone number was but more importantly, who the hell was Ben???

****  
Ben was rushing into the locker room when harry saw him and side stepped him.

"In a rush cutie?" 

"Harry you know I don't like the cheesy pet names" Ben signed disapprovingly.

Harry’s shoulders deflated slightly but he continued anyway "Yeah sorry do you have a minute?" Harry asked pulling him into the locker room before he could answer.

"I'm having lunch at the fire station in 10 minutes so make it quick please" Ben said sitting on the wooden bench in front of harry.

"I just wanted to thank you for giving me such a beautiful poetry book"

"Wait what?"

"And here I was starting to think you didn’t have a romantic bone in your body but you leave this beautiful book on my bedside"

"Harry stop"

"And green eyes wow picking it out just for me that really touched m-"

"Harry I didn't give you the book, hell I don't even know what you're on about?"

Harry paused looking at Ben, who was looking at him like he was crazy.

"So you didn't -"

"No harry but I got to go I'll talk to you when I get home" Ben was quick to get up from the bench not asking harry any further questions about the book. He gave harry a quick peck on the lips and nodded at a defeated harry before walking out in three quick strides.

Harry thought he was dumb to think Ben would do such a thing anyway, but he couldn't imagine anyone else thinking of him in such a beautiful way.

***

Harry went to the library after work anyway determined to find out how the book ended up in his apartment in the first place.

Harry had spent a lot of his childhood in the place and a feeling of nostalgia hit him as he walked through the huge doors.

There were three people in line at the front desk so he just clutched the pink book a little tighter in his hand before moving to the side and looking at a few articles in the current news section.

"I love that book." A voice said on the right of him and although he had only heard that voice once he knew exactly who it belonged too.

Harry turned around to face the blue eyed man in a heartbeat and smiled at him before realizing what he said.

"This book?" He asked raising up the pink book, mind in overdrive.

"Yeah they have some beautiful poems in there" Louis said stepping closer to harry so now they were inches apart but instead of facing each other they were faced to the tall brown book case. Harry also noticed that Louis was wearing the same black shirt and black skinny jeans that he was wearing the first time they met.

"Really? What's your favorite in it?" 

"I think you know the answer to that."

"W- What?" Harry’s pupils were blown and his mind was in over drive, it didn't cross his mind that the man he had met only once in a hospital corridor could be the one leaving a poetry book on his nightstand.

"If you must know harry, green eyes was my favorite" Louis had a little smirk on his face and if harry wasn't busy being in shock he would definitely be admiring his smirk instead.

"Wha-who- how did you-my keys and-" Harry’s cheeks got redder the more he stumbled over his words to form a coherent thought, how do you ask a stranger how they got in your apartment anyway. 

"Do you wanna go somewhere with me?" Louis asked he was full on smiling at an embarrassed Harry.

"What!" Harry almost shouted how did Louis go from basically admitting he was in Harry's apartment last night to asking him to go somewhere with him in the span of three seconds.

Louis laughed at Harry's bewildered state before saying slower "Do. You. Want. To-"

"I know what you said. Where?" Harry knew he should question Louis more but he found himself so intrigued and curious about Louis that he didn't even think about denying spending more time with him.

"Anywhere"

Harry smiled at that and thoughts of a stalker Louis climbing his bedroom window and placing a book on his night stand were pushed to the back of his mind.

"Yeah, just um give me a sec" Harry looked at the checkout line which was now empty and back at Louis "I'll be right back."

"I'll be here" Louis added with a wink.

Harry walked over to the checkout line where a tiny old Asian women was crouched down, shoulders slumped and typing rapidly away into a keyboard, she had thick red frame glasses and thin gray hair that was styled in a bob cut.

"Yes sir" her voice was nasally and she didn't even glance up at harry as she typed away.

"Can I check who the last person that checked this book out was?" Harry asked her anyway placing the small book on the counter.

"I can tell you the date and library card number that's it" she said grabbing the book and scanning it.

The computer made a long beeping noise like the machines back at the hospital did and the tiny librarian took off her glasses and finally looked up at harry.

"This book was never checked out; in fact it's been missing for two days now"

Harry thought he couldn't take anymore weird and minor shocks today, it was by far the weirdest day he's had especially considering the boring past years he had with Ben, and now Louis had been in his life for less than a few hours and harry was already feeling more nervous and excitement then he ever had and he was a surgeon for God’s sake.

Harry thanked the women explaining to her that he had found the book a few streets down at a quaint park and thought he'd bring it in, the lady believed his lie easily taking the book from him and shooing him away to get back to her work.

Harry turned around with a smile on his face but it was quickly replaced with confusion when he realized Louis was no longer standing where he left him.

****

Harry wondered if he had scared Louis off with being so concerned about the book and who gave it to him. 

Harry signed before walking towards the entrance of the library door.

"Harry!" harry whipped around quick and he was a little shocked at the amount of relief he felt as a panting and disheveled Louis came into view.

"Sorry harry I really had to pee" Louis stuttered and looked at the entrance and then back at harry.

"Are you okay? You look-"

"You didn't think I ditched you, did you?" Louis laughed a little at the blush that covered Harry’s cheek.

"No I just-"

"Let's go then Harold" harry turned almost tomato red at the endearing nickname that no one had called him since grade school and the fact that Louis was tugging him by his wrist like an excited child, harry hadn't felt this excited about something since, well he couldn't even remember when.

"Where are we going then?" Louis asked as they walked down the busy sidewalk. If he looked down he could see that his hand and Harry’s hand were interlaced but he couldn't physically feel it. It still brought a smile to his face that harry hadn't let go yet.

"I don't know let's just talk yeah? I feel like I don't know anything about you" 

They ended up at a Wal-Mart roaming the aisles, with a basket filled with fruit and bags of crisps along with other groceries that Harry needed for his house.

"What do you want to know?" 

"Well for starters what do you do?"

"What do I do? Well usually I stalk cute boys with amazing asses" Louis smirked sizing Harry's legs and ass, Louis had never seen harry in anything besides those baggy plastic scrubs, but currently he was wearing skin tight black jeans and a black and red checkered flannel and Louis felt himself wishing for the sense of touch just so he could feel how his jeans felt on his fingertips as he slid them off.

"uh--I meant like- um" Louis thought that if harry made an occupation of turning red and blushing he would be a billionaire. "I meant like job" his voice and jeans were strained and he coughed a little before trying.

"What do you work for is what I meant?"

"I'm a messenger"

"Like for the postal office?"

"No, for God"

Harry smiled at that, Louis was strange but he was the kind of strange Harry wanted to keep in his life. "Well does god have a message for me?"

"Maybe I'll make sure to ask him"

"Hmm... So it's a him" harry giggled and man oh man was Louis in trouble because he wanted to hear that laugh everyday for the rest of his life.

**** 

Louis and Harry had stopped at a little pizza parlor across the street from the hospital, Louis had told harry that he had never ate pizza before and harry had basically dragged him to what he claims was the best pizza joint in town.

It was a simple quaint little restaurant with checkered table cloths and waitress on roller blades. It wasn't that packed considering it was 2 in the afternoon on a hot Tuesday but harry still dragged Louis in to a corner booth.

"So I told you what I do what about you?" Louis asked harry who had already ordered an extra large pepperoni pizza and two cokes.

"Considering you met me at work I thought you-"

"No not work like what do you do for fun? Hobbies? When you’re not saving lives that is." 

"Oh um I don't know I'm not that interesting to be completely honest"

"Why do I find that hard to believe?"

Harry looked away under Louis questioning gaze, Louis could tell something was wrong as Harry’s eyes met Louis’s again.

"I just like safety and staying in my comfort zone, which is why I'm with my boyfriend Ben because he's boring and safe" Harry's eyes widened as the words left his mouth and onto the open air between them.  
"I didn't mean it like that he's- um Ben is nice he um he takes care of me" Harry said almost assuring himself.

"You don't need someone to take care of you" Louis paused as the waitress brought out the greasy looking pizza and placed it on the table between them along with two porcelain plates. Louis waited for her to walk away before he spoke again. "You need someone to care for you."

There was a long and deafening silence then where Louis and Harry just sat their untouched pizza between them and stared at each other.

Harry was the one who broke the silence this time "I can't believe you never had pizza" harry laughed clearly trying to take the attention away from him.

"Yeah until now that is" Louis said picking up a slice and giving harry a faux smile.

They both ate in silence before harry asked "how does it taste? Is it life changing?" 

"It's really good" Louis lied. He couldn't taste anything, he felt nothing on his tongue or on his mouth as he put on the illusion of him enjoying something he couldn't even taste.

"I knew you'd like it" harry smiled.

As they finished up eating harry paid the bill, Louis didn't even offer, because how would he have any money? Louis kind of felt sick to his stomach pretending to be something he wasn't, before he met harry Louis didn’t even ever think about living his life as a human but now here he was with this beautiful boy wishing he could take him on dates where he paid, wishing he could know how it felt to have his hand in his and wishing he knew what pizza tasted like.


	4. Chapter Four.

Harry had met Louis in front of the grand library doors everyday at 2 pm after that, sometimes they would go to get lunch or go to the park but most of the time they just spent hours on the third floor library (it was the quietest floor). 

Harry had already cancelled on Ben twice this week opting to meet Louis instead and reading him books that he picked out. Harry never actually got past the first chapter though because Louis would ask him dozens of questions sometimes about why the main character was the way he or she was but most of the time he would ask questions about Harry’s life.

By the end of the week Louis had learned about Harry’s family, He had an older sister that traveled the world writing articles for some posh history magazine and mom and step dad who were both retired and living in France with about ten cats. Louis had also heard about Harry’s childhood. 

The more Louis found about Harry’s past the more confused he became, because nothing in Harry’s past gave him answers to the words spoken in the pizza parlor the first time they met. Harry had told him that he liked to be safe and in his comfort zone, but nothing harry had told Louis about his past was traumatic enough for Harry to always want a safety net instead of living life. A lot of times Louis would ask harry something and harry would stumble on his words before he changed his answer completely, Louis could tell that harry was holding back and he felt an emotion that he couldn’t quite place for the first human he ever interacted with. Louis had never felt sadness, hell he didn’t even know how it felt, but after sitting on the library floor for three hours a day for six days he knew that sadness was watching a beautiful green eyed boy who had so much potential, holding back who he was.

 

Louis had told harry that he didn’t have a phone because he hated technology, he didn’t even know if that was a valid excuse but he had heard an old man say in it in the park once and harry seemed to believe it, only laughing a little at Louis. Instead of harry calling or texting Louis where to meet him every day they just planned it the day before and met up in front of the library.

 

Currently they were walking to a small playground that only had one swing set and a cheap yellow slide. 

“Do you want to push or be pushed?” Harry asked him pointing to the swing. 

Louis wouldn’t be able to feel himself up in the air being pushed and Harry’s hand on his back and he would have to put on another façade of him enjoying something he couldn’t feel around harry and he was getting pretty tired of doing that. 

“Get on big boy, ill push” Louis winked at harry before patting his arse, harry yelped and giggled before scurrying over to the swing, Louis followed closely behind and stood behind harry as he sat on the swing, Louis watched his hands and he placed them on Harry’s back, he could physically see his fingers and palms stretched on Harry’s narrow back and on his blue plastic scrubs, but he couldn’t physically feel it, he couldn’t feel the way the plastic of Harry’s scrubs felt on his finger tips and he couldn’t feel how Harry’s back muscles felt on Louis palm and fingertips.

 

“You okay Lou?” Harry asked turning the side of his face to look back at Louis.

“Yeah why are you so heavy” Louis said sarcastically and harry pretended to be offended as Louis huffed and puffed and pushed him into the cool air, his boot covered feet leaving the floor.

It had been about ten seconds since Louis was pushing him before Harry’s phone rang, Louis stopped swinging “You should pick it up” Louis said stepping away from Harry.

“No its okay” Harry took the phone out of his pocket before pressing something at the top and stuffing it back in his pocket “shall I push you know?” Harry asked not quite meeting Louis gaze.

Louis looked back at the now empty swing and back at Harry “I’m actually a bit tired, can we just sit down”

“Yeah sure” 

Harry and Louis both walked a few feet away to a large tree and sat down against the bark under the shade. “Oi the grass is cold” Harry giggled, wiggling his butt before sitting down. “I can’t feel it” Louis said without thinking. His eyes widened when he realized what he had just said

“What-?”

“I mean like uh I don’t get cold, living in the cold I’m you know a New Yorker I guess I’m just used to it” Louis didn’t know how to describe the feeling of complete guilt he felt every time he lied to harry, for he had never felt it, but he would do anything to get rid of that feeling.

“You’re tired? Did god give you an important message today?” Harry said sarcastically.

“What?”

“You said you were too tired to swing”

“No I just didn’t want too” Louis laughed awkwardly.

There was a long comfortable silence between them where harry picked up blades of grass and twirled them between his fingers, Louis watched him carefully wondering why it had to be this boy in front of him that he had to feel this way for.

“I think Bens cheating on me again” Harry spoke ripping the blade of grass and letting it fall to the floor. It was the first time Harry had openly mentioned Ben without Louis asking him about it. 

“Cheating?” Louis had heard enough people whispering about it in the hospital and library halls but he didn’t know exactly what it was, he just knew it was bad.

“Yeah every time he cancels on me, I think he’s going to hook up with someone else, what’s worse is that I think it’s a girl.” There was no emotion behind Harry’s voice as he said what he was holding back to the first person.

“Is that why you’ve been ignoring his calls?” harry nodded quietly.

“Wait you said again? He’s cheated on you before? Harry!” for the first time Louis felt angry at someone he didn’t even know, he felt anger for someone else.

“I need him Louis” Harry said finally meeting Louis gaze, his eyes were wet and Louis knew he was holding back tears, Louis had seen too many family members and friends crying over a lost one to not be familiar with tears.

“I’m not understanding, how can you need someone who’s making you feel like this”

“He loves me Louis, you can’t leave people who love you” and if that’s what love was like Louis didn’t want any part of it or this world.

“I shouldn’t have said anything can we change the subject please” Harry was fanatic now breathing hard and pulling on the plastic of his blue scrub bottoms.

“You did nothing wrong love” Louis said before they went back to sitting in a now not so comfortable silence with harry sniffling quietly bedside him.  
Their shoulders and forearms were lined up against each other and if they both turned to face each other their lips would only be centimeters apart.

“Hey haz remember that time you asked me if I had a message for you?”

Harry wiped his face on his undershirt before turning to face Louis, breath hitching when he realized how close Louis lips were.

“Yeah.” 

“My message to you is not settle, to not put others happiness before yours, to not hold back” Louis said it in one breath and Harry’s eyes were wild staring at Louis with an emotion behind them that Louis could quite place.

“Please kiss me”

Louis was more panicked then shocked as he registered the words.  
“Harry-" but harry was already cupping Louis face and bringing his lips up to meet his face.

In the six seconds where Louis and Harry’s lips were connected, Louis finally understood what anger was, anger was not being able to feel this beautiful boys lips on his.

Harry was the first to pull away looking at Louis with confusion on his face. His eyebrows were narrowed as he took in Louis face which was filled with anger and regret? Harry wasn't sure.

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have done that" harry whispered, he was still cupping Louis face and Louis just wanted to feel it. To feel something.

"Shh sh it's okay" Louis sighed he lifted his head up and kissed harry on the corner of his lip assuring him that everything was okay, when it wasn't.

A few more seconds of silence passed before Harry’s phone rang again, this time he hastily took it out of his uniform pocket and looked at the screen before picking it up.

"Styles"

"He what"

"Yes I'm close" 

"Which one"

Louis felt weird and sort of guilty listening to one end of the conversation which seemed to be an important one at that.

But before he could get up and leave, harry was hanging up the phone.

"I have to go back to the hospital for a bit but please come with me"

"It's okay I can go um home" Louis didn't want to intrude or be a burden on harry.

"I'll only be a few minutes please come"

"Okay" Louis sighed "lead the way"

****  
Louis walked quietly behind harry trough the hospital corridors, he waved and smiled at everyone who passed by him, people who couldn't even see Louis.

When they got to the fourth floor harry rushed Louis in to one of the waiting rooms.

"Please wait here I'll be right back" harry said he leaned into give Louis a kiss before he realized what he was doing. "Shit sorry shit" 

"Its okay go, go" Louis laughed and ushered harry out. Harry’s cheeks were red as he walked out (which Louis would consider a good thing since he looked so cute) harry turned back around and mouthed "I'll be right back" before rushing down the corridor.

Louis waited approximately ten seconds before following after him, this time not wanting to be seen by him.

***  
"He's in here" one of the nurses told harry with a roll of her eyes.

"Well what's wrong with him?"

"Kid had a heart attack and won't listen to anyone" she had a thick Brooklyn accent and she seemed very annoyed to be working in a hospital.

"If he won't listen to anyone why would he listen to me?" Harry knew the nurse wouldn't be able to answer that but he was still flustered from his afternoon with Louis.

"You're patient, your problem" she smacked her gum, before leaving.

Harry sighed, is this why they called him in for?

They had said it was an emergency harry knew that he had this connection with the patients and that's why a lot of patients asked for him by name.  
But if it wasn't an emergency he didn't want to be called in on his time, especially when he was with Louis.

Harry sighed and leaned against the wall thinking about the kiss, he wasn't aware that Louis was stood only a few inches away from him.

He sighed one more time before turning the door knob and walking in.

the smell of cigarette smoke immediately infiltrated him nostrils as he spotted a young man with black hair in his mid 20’s he was covered in body ink and sitting on the corner of the bed, he was wearing the hospital assigned gown and stubbing out a used cigarette on the night stand.

"You know you can't smoke in here right?" Harry said shocked that he would even have to say those words to a patient.

"I’m not smoking" the boy smirked, throwing his now finished cigarette in the trash.

"Didn't you just have a heart attack?" 

"You’re the doctor" his accent was thick and harry just wasn't understanding why he was called rather quickly to deal with this.

"Well, how are you feeling-?"

"Zayn, and I'm feeling great so can I leave now?"

"I don't think you’re ready to leave now, we'll just go through some standard checkups to see if everything is intact" harry hummed and took a new pair of clear plastic rubber gloves out of his pocket.

Harry checked his vitals and organs and heart and everything seemed to be okay expect for one artery that was clogged near his heart.

"You’re gonna need surgery, do you have any family members here to do the paperwork?" Harry asked him, he wasn't being cold and as distant towards harry anymore so harry took that as a plus.

"My wife's in the next waiting room" he said "she'll take care of everything"

"shit" Harry muttered 

“what’s wrong?” 

"I left someone in the waiting- never mind- I gotta go I'll be back tomorrow to get everything sorted don't smoke anymore alright?" Harry didn't wait for his answer as he frantically left Zayn’s room to meet Louis.

Louis quietly smiled as harry rushed out of Zayns hospital room, he was getting ready to follow after him when Zayn spoke.

"I can't see you, but I know your there"

Louis turned around so quickly, he was sure if he was a human he would've broke his neck.

Louis didn't dare to speak to him.

"Go back and tell them I'm fine" the man reached into his pocket and then pulled out another lighter and cigarette "I ain't leaving yet."


	5. Chapter 5

Louis found it weird how much things had changed in two weeks, how his life was normal two weeks ago and now he was spending every afternoon with harry and currently walking up to Zayn’s hospital room to confront him about the other day. Two weeks ago he was taking people to heaven occasionally and sitting on top of New York’s highest buildings with Liam.

He had made sure to avoid harry at all costs as he made his way to Zayn’s temporary bedroom.

Zayn was sitting on his plastic bed upright and a pretty blonde was sitting beside him, back faced to Louis, they looked like they were in a deep conversation, but as soon Louis stepped in the room, Zayn’s head shot up.

Louis wanted to turn right back around and walk out the hospital as Zayn looked around the room, almost angrily. This is the first time Louis had confronted or even talked to a human that wasn’t dying or Harry, and harry was like a baby deer compared to Zayn.

Louis snapped out of his thoughts as the blonde spoke. “What’s wrong babe?” she had a thick Geordie accent and she was rubbing Zayn’s tattooed arm frantically.

“Nothing, I think I’m gonna take a nap actually, you should go home get some rest love” Zayn told the girl and Louis quietly walked over to the rugged looking green couch in the corner of the room as Zayn and who he assumed was Zayn’s wife said their goodbyes.

Louis spoke as soon as the blonde shut the door behind her. “You can see me?” it was more of a question then a confrontational statement.

“No, but I know your there” Zayn said sitting up in bed; he looked at the couch since that was where Louis voice was coming from.

“How?”

“Are you gonna make me to talk to the couch all night?” Zayn shot back.

Louis sighed before he made himself visible to Zayn, “Now that you can see me. Answer the question.”

“Isn’t this against rules or something? An Angel talking to a human, that’s just not normal” Louis could see his smirk as he finished the sentence and eyed Louis up.

“That doesn’t answer my question.” Louis felt like he was the one being confronted and he felt more uneasy now that Zayn could see him.

“Why are you here again?” Zayn completely ignored his question again “I told you I’m not going, I’m fine, better then fine.”

“That not why I’m here-”

“or are you here for the pretty brunette doctor, since you seem to come in here every time he does, he’s quite the catch” Zayn winked at him and Louis now wished he had never came back.

“I just want to know how you can see me, how this is possible” Louis ushered between them.

“I use to be you” Zayn said, he got out of the bed and then started searching the bed side tables.

“Use to be me? What and angel?” Louis stood up too, walking closer to Zayn.

“An angel wanting to be Human.” Zayn laughed as Louis eyes almost popped out of his head at accusation and the truth. “What? Don’t look so surprised now-”

“Louis.”

“I’m Zayn, nice to meet you.” Zayn walked over to shake his hand but stopped before he could reach Louis. “I almost forgot you can’t feel” Zayn laughed at him again before going back over to the bed side table to search for god knows what.

“This is so weird” was all Louis could think of to say trough his confusion and frustration.  
Zayn continued to search the room for about 10 more seconds before he huffed “Damn it Perrie” and then thankfully turned back to Louis.

“I’ll tell you what, you get me out of here and ill explain everything”

****

“This is insane” Louis mumbled.

“Insanely brilliant” Zayn whispered.  
They were both currently waiting in a hospital supply closet, hiding from the nurses nearby.  
Zayn peeked out the door and then back at Louis, he spoke again when he met Louis nervous stare.

"Are you afraid that the brunette nurse will see you?"

"No, I'm afraid he'll see me in what could be his doctor’s scrubs sneaking one of his patients out of the hospital" Louis shot back “and his names harry.”

Zayn just laughed at that and signaled for Louis to follow his lead and put surgical mask on after him, he creaked the closet door open about an inch and peaked out.

he waited a beat, and Louis could hear his breathing turned rugged as he pulled his own stolen mask over his mouth and nose, this is the craziest thing Louis had ever done by far and he was an angel, technically angels were suppose to behave and well act like and angel.

"Act natural" he turned around to say to and then added "like a human" when Louis gave him a blank stare.

Zayn opened the door all the way and stepped out, full costume on and duffle bag in hand.

“Count to ten, then meet me in front of the main elevator.”

All Louis could do was nod at him before he started counting to ten, he made sure my mask was secure before he stepped out, Louis would have to pass by what he now knew was Harry’s office and Louis didn’t know how he would react if harry was to see him or catch him, Louis could go invisible but then he would just be a pair of floating scrubs and there was no way he was abandoning Zayn now.

Louis kept his head low as he made his way down the corridor and spotted Zayn waiting by the elevator; He lifted his head slightly as he passed by Harry’s door but it was shut tight and the little window on the door was dark, meaning the lights were off an no one was inside.

Louis let out a breath of relief that he hadn’t realized he was holding before he became slightly worried, where was he?

“I said count to ten, not a fucking hour” Zayn mumbled holding the elevator open for Louis to step in.

“Where are we going anyway?” Louis asked taking the attention away from him.

“Somewhere were there’s not ‘no smoking signs’ at every fucking corner, Jesus Christ” Zayn huffed pointing at a large red warning sign in the corner of the elevator.  
The elevator door opened and Zayn stepped out quickly and Louis followed suit.

“So you’re telling me we went through all of this so you can have a quick drag?” Louis whispered incredulously.  
They were out of the hospital now and Zayn was walking quickly to the car lot.

“No, so WE can have a drag.” Louis could hear the amusement in Zayn’s tone and had the strong urge to bash his skull in. “Now hurry, hopefully the gas station across the street is still open.”

They stopped in front of a beat up 1998 black beetle and Zayn took a pair of keys out of the duffel bag, before opening the trunk.

“Take off the scrubs” Zayn said before stripping out of his scrubs and throwing them in the trunk.  
He then pulled out a pair of gym shorts from the duffle bag and pulled them over his hospital gown.  
Once we were both changed, Louis back into his black jeans and t-shirt and Zayn into gym shorts and tank top, we both got in the car and Zayn drove quickly trough the new York streets.

It was a short drive before Zayn pulled into a small convenient store; the sign above the door was red and blinking reading open.

“Perrie hid all my good ciggs, so this will have to do” Zayn said, he stepped out of the car and Louis just nodded and followed after him into the small store.

“Perrie? Is that the blonde I saw earlier?” Louis asked, he stood behind Zayn as he talked to the guy behind the counter, signaling to the dozens of boxes of cigarettes behind him.

“Yeah she’s my wife, reason I turned human” Finally, Louis huffed, he was getting some information.

“But both of you have a British accent? What are you guys doing in the states? Reason you turned human? What? You can turn Human?” Louis mouth seemed to work faster than his brain as he spewed out questions.

“Woah, calm down I haven’t even had a puff yet” Zayn laughed, he quickly paid, and was already ripping the red Marlboro box open before we stepped out of the store.  
“Hurry, I gotta get you back before they realize you’re missing”

Zayn sat on the curb, completely ignoring Louis as he tried to spark a light from a small box of matches.  
He took a long drag before he signaled Louis to sit, Louis would argue but he literally had nothing better to do, he really needed to stop worrying.

“Here” Zayn offered him the opened box, but Louis quickly denied.

“You know I can’t feel it or taste it anyway” Louis huffed.

“Right, how’s that going for you by the way?” Louis knew Zayn was mocking him, but he would bash his head in after he got answers.

“You promised answers” Louis said, in what he hoped was demanding.

“Fine, fine”

He took another drag, closing his eyes before letting out a big white cloud of smoke.

"Perrie and Me are both from the UK" Louis sat up in excitement finally he was getting some answers.

"We moved down here when people started asking too many questions about me like where my parents were, what I did for a living and so on."

Louis listened intently not wanting to interrupt.

"She was 21 when I first saw her and I was still an angel then, it's weird you know? The things love makes you do."

"I'm not in love with harry if that's what you’re getting at" Louis said quickly, it seemed like that's what Zayn was implying.

"No no of course not" he smirked before continuing "I know it's cheesy but I knew I loved her the second I came to take her away, she was only 21 and she was dying from cancer when she looked into my eyes I couldn't do it I couldn't take her away, she had so much hope behind them" Zayn paused for what seemed like forever and Louis had to break the silence.

"Isn't that like against the rules or something? Letting the person live?"

"Yeah but it didn't matter to me anyway, I became human a week after I met her and she made a full recovery a few months later, the doctors said it was a miracle" Zayn laughed, angels joked all the time about how gullible humans were and Zayn seemed to still have the angel humor.

"Didn’t she know you weren't human though? You basically saved her?" Louis mind was racing with what would happen if harry knew he wasn't human.

"She knew the second she saw me, said she owed me her life and I told her everything about Angels and I spent my days with her, I told her that I could be human for her, no, that I wanted to be human for her."

I wanted to be human for her.  
I wanted to be human for her.

The words kept replaying in his head and somehow they changed in his head to "I want to be human for him"

"She told me she didn't want me to give up everything for her but I didn't have anything if I couldn't feel her lips first thing in the morning and if I couldn't smell the way her skin feels after she showers"

Louis didn't realize how badly he wanted to smell every inch of harry, until Zayn’s voice and words were laid out in front of him, basically saying everything he felt but was too afraid to admit.

"So I killed myself the next week."

Louis felt like someone had just poured ice water on him.

"Killed yourself? An angel??? What? Why!"

"You don't know?" Zayn laughed at Louis confused stare.

“Know what? No one tells us anything anymore.” Louis felt like he didn’t know anything anymore, he didn’t know there was more to being an angel then taking dying people away and in the past week he had learn more talking to a human then he had his whole life.

Liam knew that you could talk to humans and be visible to them, and Zayn who wasn’t even an angel anymore knew a way to turn human, Louis wondered why he didn’t know why the other angels kept it a secret from him, were they afraid he wouldn’t stick around long if he knew there was a way he could feel.

“When angels want to be human, they basically kill the angel within them and when they wake up from there accident’ Zayn put air quotes around the word accident, took a drag from the now almost finished cigarette and then continued “and then like when they wake up they are no longer an angel, but they still remember everything from before”

“It kind of makes sense. So how did you do it?” Louis asked, He knew that he should be getting Zayn back to the hospital know, but his mind was in a hundred different places.

 

“I jumped of the Big Ben” Zayn laughed like it was a normal every day sentence. “I had a bleeding nose and a few minor cuts from the transition but other than that I was ecstatic”

“How does a bleeding nose feel?”

“Horrible, but I would rather have my nose bleed everyday then not be with her.”

Louis didn’t know how to answer to that, he stayed quiet letting it all soak in, he should’ve taken the cigarette Zayn had offered him to relax him and control his whirling mind a bit.

“So are you going to do it for Harry?”

“What?”

“Oh don’t play dumb isn’t that why you were so curious you want to be human for Harry.” Zayn stood up now dusting his shorts and Louis stood up as well.

“He has a boyfriend and why would I? How do I even know he wants me the same way I crave for him?” Louis didn’t seem to have a brain to mouth filter, why was he telling Zayn he wanted Harry in that way, he hardly came to terms with his own feelings for Harry, how was he even able to feel something for Harry, he couldn’t, he wouldn’t.

“That’s the things isn’t it?”

“What thing?” They were both sat in Zayn car again, but Zayn didn’t turn the car on.

“You’ll never know what could be if you’re an angel” Louis looked down at his lap not knowing what to say, Zayn was obviously right, how would he ever know if he wasn’t human.

“What’s so good about being an angel anyway?” Louis didn’t say it out loud but the words nothing replayed in his head the entire drive back.


	6. Chapter Six.

can this man hurry up and die 

Louis gasped at his own sick thoughts as he sat on the curb and watched a motorcycle approaching him, of course the man on the motorcycle wasn't wearing a helmet and of course he was speeding so he wouldn't see the orange pickup truck that would turn the corner any second now.

Louis was sent to take a 29 year old man to Heaven, supposedly the man would die at the scene of the accident, which was good for Louis because then Louis wouldn't have to go to the hospital and deal with the possibility of a crying family.

Louis knew his thoughts were harsh and cruel but he was set to meet harry in 20 minutes at the library and his conversation with Zayn from last night was still fresh in his brain, making him more anxious than usual.

Louis mind snapped back to what was going on in front of him when he heard a loud crash and stood up to walk closer to the man who was now lying on the pavement a few feet away from his wrecked bike.

His eyes were still open despite the amount of blood pouring from his skull.

He heard a loud pitched yell and turned to the side to see a blonde teenage girl in a Rolling Stones shirt step out of the orange truck and rush towards the now dying man.

The girl limped towards them, but she couldn't see Louis she also had a bloody nose but her injuries seemed small and nothing compared to the motorcycle victim.

"Shit, shit, shit" she was crying now and rapidly dialing on her phone, she put the phone to her ear before she bend so she was close to the man.

"Who are you?" The man turned to me and asked.

"I'm here to take you away" Louis answered as the girl frantically answered "I'm Danielle don't worry help is on the way" she didn't realize that the man was talking to Louis and no amount of help would help this man.

"I'm dying?" His voice was merely a whisper and this was always the hardest part.

"No, No, No" the girl had snot and blood coming down her nose and Louis had to turn away to answer the man.

"Yes, just close your eyes mate, it'll make it easier" Louis sighed gratefully when the man started closing his eyes and the girl stood up quickly rushing over to the end of the street where sirens were approaching and could be heard.

"My wife, she needs eggs and milk" Louis let out a breath, this was going to be a hard one.

"It's okay it'll be okay, she'll be with you one day" he had told a lot of people this, but now it held more meaning.

"Okay, okay" the man shut his eyes completely now and Louis could hear the loud thundering footsteps of the police and the paramedics running towards him.

"What was your favorite thing about it?" Louis rushed wanting to hear him before the paramedics pulled him on the gurney.

"You’re gonna think I'm insane" the man laughed a little coughing up saliva and blood "but the feeling of riding a bike with my wife holding me tightly that was the best" his eyes closed and the men had finally reached him but Louis knew he was already gone.

Louis wanted to know what it felt like to ride a motorcycle and have someone hold onto him. Someone who he loved.

*****

Louis huffed out a sigh of relief as he walked into the grand library door, only 67 seconds late, yeah he counted.

He didn't spot harry in the front of the doors so he walked over to where they had met the first time they were in the library to wait for harry there.

He scanned a few of the books, he wished he could pick up one and read it but he couldn't read, when he picked up a book all he saw were blank pages.

He sat on the floor next to the book shelf and started counting how many books were there.

147 books on the shelf.

His nervousness about talking to harry has dissolved completely, replaced with worrisome.

Where was harry? He was 40 minutes late and it was so unlike harry to be late. 

Louis thought back to last night when he passed by Harry’s office door and saw that his room was shut and the lights were off, even when he dropped off Zayn hours later, Harry’s office was dark and empty.

Before Louis even thinks twice about his actions he walks straight out the library and to the dark hidden ally that is left of the library walls.

He decides to turn invisible there, where no one can see a man disappearing into thin air.

He needs to be invisible anyway if he's going to show up at the only place he thinks harry could be at. His apartment.

****

Turns out Louis wasn't the only unwelcomed guest, because as soon as Louis stepped into Harry’s cozy flat there was a loud banging on Harry’s front door, Louis spotted harry sitting on his couch, eyes wide and cheeks red.

What was going on? Louis was just as confused in Harry’s place as he was out of it.

"HARRY!! OPEN UP I KNOW YOU ARE IN THERE" the voice outside the door boomed.

Who the hell?

Louis turned angry the more the banging continued and as Harry’s Adam's apple shook the closer he walked to the door.

When he opened the door a red face man with scruff appeared and he looked a little older then Harry.

He didn't even let harry speak before he barged in, the door almost hitting Harry in the face, Louis gripped onto the table controlling his anger Harry would hate him if he knew.

"Ben what are you doing here?" Harry talked calmly despite the fact that Ben almost hit him in the face with a door.

"Don't Ben me you don't think I'm coy harry do you?" He seethed, stomping around the room like he owned the damn place.

"Well if you would just tell me that would make this a lot easier" Louis was sure that his jaw was on the floor, why was harry talking to him calmly, if Louis was in Harry's place Ben would be headless right now.

"You don't answer my calls for A WEEK, you don't have the decency to answer ANY of my texts and THEN you have the FUCKING NERVE to not come to work to what avoid me? Are you forgetting everything I've done for you?" 

So that's why harry wasn't at work to avoid Ben, harry should not have to hide from his boyfriend the same boyfriend he told Louis that he supposedly loves. Louis was in complete disbelief.

"You do the same thing to me when you’re on a 'business trip'" harry screamed at him, his patience now gone.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Ben stepped closer to harry, venom in his voice and Louis knew he needed to do something but he was frozen to the spot.

"Now who's the one being coy" harry had a devious smirk on and Louis felt oddly proud of him for holding his ground. "Amelia called by the way said you left your work boots at her house"

"So you not calling me back or coming to my house, Is because you are cheating on me?" Ben is quite too quite when he speaks the next words "I hear things harry who you been with and who you go to meet" and Louis can hear his heart pound.

"YOU JUST ADMITTED TO CHEATING ON ME BY SAYING THAT" Harry howls, he pulls his hair and Louis is thankful that he chooses not to answer the second part which is obviously about Louis.

"Harry you don't have the upper hand here, I know what you are trying to do here and I'm telling you that you better not, that you will regret this."  
Louis has chills down his back as Ben finishes his speech, no his threat, and he can see harry shrink back just a bit.

"What am I trying to do Ben? Please enlighten me." But Harry's voice is small now so Louis knows he already knows the answer.

"You’re trying to leave me, you are forgetting that you NEED ME, how can you forget that no one else will love you? Are we already forgetting about what happened, your own parents didn't even want you" 

In an instant Ben and Harry both have their eyes on Louis and Louis eyes almost bulge out of his head, what the hell, how can they see me???

Louis realizes that he's not sitting down anymore and that his fists are clenched and knuckles white, Bens harsh words to Harry did more damage to him then he thought and he's struggling to control himself.

"Did you hear that? That chair just slid across the floor" Ben asks. Oh thank god, they can’t see Louis; they just heard the chair moving from when Louis stood up abruptly.

"Yeah, its fine the windows are open" Harry’s says, he clearly wants to get back to the topic at hand.

Louis feels the strong urge to let out a sigh but he can't they'll hear him, and it's amazing they haven't caught him yet.

"Please don't bring up my parents again Ben" Harry is pleading with Ben and his eyes are even more puffier and red then they were when Ben arrived and Louis has never hated a person more.

"So you remember who loves you then?"

"Yes"

"And you won't try and leave me" 

"No"

"And you'll stop seeing that boy"

"Okay"

Ben takes a step closer to a broken harry with each word, until he is only a few centimeters away from him, Ben pulls Harry’s chin roughly to meet his mouth with Harry’s and Louis looks away, watching Harry like this and not being able to do anything is the worst kind of torture.

Louis leaves to walk out the door but stops one more time to look behind him, Ben is now forcing harry on his knees and unbuckling his own jeans quickly. Now Louis has felt sadness.

****

Louis doesn't know how but somehow he ends up at Zayn’s spotless hospital room, he knew that Liam wouldn't understand, Liam would scold him for having such deep emotions for a human, but not Zayn, Zayn had been here before, Zayn would tell him what to do.

"He said what?"

"He told harry to stay away from me." Louis felt nauseous speaking the words out loud.

"And harry just obliged?" Zayn was sat on a rocking chair next to the bed; he held a sketchbook in one hand and an auburn color pencil in the other.

"Yeah it was so weird it's like Ben controls him or something, Ben told him that no one will ever love him." Louis murmured the last part, still in disbelief.

"Jeez this boy of yours obviously has some traumatic past that Ben is holding over his head, what are you gonna do?" Zayn didn't look up from his book, but spoke loud enough for Louis to know he was paying attention.

"That's why I'm here Zayn, I don't know what to do"

Zayn was silent for a few minutes before he spoke.

"Find out his past and get rid of whatever fear he has and whatever Ben is holding over his head" 

"I can't he said he would stop seeing me" Louis huffed, this was all such a mess, he should've just stayed invisible. Louis knows it's a lie, him wanting to stay invisible, he hasn't wanted to be invisible since the first time Harry saw him in the surgery room.

"So? Who cares what Ben said, do something bold so Harry can't stay away" Zayn emphasizes the word 'can't' but Louis is still confused.

"Do something like what?" Louis asks and immediately regretting asking when he meets Zayn’s face, amusement is written all over Zayn’s face and he a smirk plasters his lips.

"I think Perrie has some erotica novels laying around at home I can ask her to bring one over"

"What? No."

"I mean they'll obviously be boy on girl but you'll learn the basic idea of a blowjob" 

"A what?"

"And think of how much harry will-"

"Zayn stop" Louis laughs " I don't want your wife's erotica novels, I'll just find one at the library" he groans the thought of him listening to Zayn reading him his wife's erotica novel makes him shuffle on his feet with embarrassment.

"Suit yourself; just don't pick 50 shades of grey"

***

Louis heads shift from in and out of his pockets as he walks up the spiral stair case to the second floor of the library, he knows the erotic section is next to teen novels in the far back, usually where the teenagers come to make out.

There are a few girls and even a few boys there reading books, magazines or just looking trough titles.

He's about to walk up to a older looking boy but stops when he hears the boy reading 50 shades of grey, the book Zayn told him to avoid.

Louis ends up sitting next to a girl who looks about 20; she has gray and black hair and a weird metal nose ring in the middle of her nose, reminding Louis of a bull.

He ends up sitting with her for more than 30 minutes before a blowjob is mentioned and his ears perk up, the book she’s reading isn't half bad but this is the part he needs to pay attention on.

When she's done reading Louis eyes are blown wide and he shifts uncomfortably. Do people actually like this stuff? Is harry going to like it? Has harry ever gotten one before?

When Louis realizes he has nothing to lose, he makes his way to the hospital.


	7. Chapter Seven.

Louis doesn't know why but he doesn't feel nervous as he makes his way to Harry’s office, when he steps into the elevator though his nerves return worse than ever, Ben is in the elevator dressed in a black shirt and white paramedic pants, he has the urge to punch him before he realizes that Ben has never seen him and doesn't who he is.

"What floor man?" Ben’s voice is rough, but nothing compared to how it was in Harry’s apartment.

"Five" he notices that the button for 8 is also pressed and he thanks god that Ben is not going to Harry’s office, but what's on floor eight?

"Visiting someone?" Louis didn't know he had the instinct to lie until the words "yeah a patient what about you?" Fell from his lips so naturally and without a second thought.

"My girlfriend works on floor eight" Louis can't help it he coughs awkwardly to mask his gasp, he has a girlfriend right under Harry’s nose what the fuck? Louis doesn't know much about relationships but he knows that whatever Ben is doing is not acceptable.

"You okay man?" Ben has the fucking nerve to put his hand on Louis shoulder and louis steps away quickly.

"Yeah this is me, bye" Louis nervousness is gone again replaced with anger and he's quite smug as he opens Harry’s office door without knocking.

"Louis what are you-" harry immediately slides away from his desk on his gray swivel chair as Louis winks at him, before locking the door behind him.

"Did you just wink at me?" Harry laughs, it's a nervous laugh, Louis can tell by the way harry grips onto the chair tighter.

"Where is Ben?" Louis remembers to keep his voice low and deep, hoping it’s seductive like the girl in the books was.

"He-he just left" Harry’s breath hitches as Louis stands right in front of him, Harry’s knees are touching Louis thighs.

"That'll make this easier then" Louis doesn't know where this dirty talk is coming from but he sends a silent thanks to the girl in the library as he gets on both his knees in front of a tomato red harry.

"Where is this coming from?" And Louis doesn't have an answer so he just presses his lips roughly against Harry’s strawberry pink lips and bites down on his lower lip, he can't feel it but that's how the girl in the novel shut her partner up. It doesn't work in this case though because instead of harry staying mute be moans loudly into Louis opens lips and then traces small kisses against Louis prominent collarbone, fuck Louis wishes he knew what that felt like.

"Do you want me to stop?" Louis asks contradicting himself, while he places his palms pressed flat onto his scrubs.

He's knows that Harry’s enjoying this when his man hood shape becomes prominent in his pale mint green scrubs. Just like the man in the novel Louis thinks.

"fuck-fuck no don't stop Louis" that's all Louis needs to hear before he palms harry more generously with one hand and inches his hand to the top of Harry’s waistband with the other.

"What- do you want me to give you a blowjob?" Harry asks his voice is strained and Louis pulls his hand away.

"No- I thought I was giving you one" Louis's not sure why Harry would even ask that until the image of Ben forcing harry on his knees pops up in his head, Ben probably forces harry, the thought makes Louis sick 

"I. Want. To. Give. You. One." Louis says the words clearly hoping Harry will realize that he shouldn't be forced to do any sexual favors.

"Why?" Harry moans, assisting Louis in taking his pants off.

"I want to feel you" is all Louis thinks of to say, the girl had said it in the book and her partner almost lost it and apparently the words have the same effect on Harry because his eyes are glossy and black now and his knuckles are white, gripping onto the chair with all his strength.

 

Louis bats his eyelashes up at harry like the girl did before he slides Harry’s black boxers up to his pale knees. 

Shit, it's bigger then Louis would have imagined but he remembered how the girl had used her hands as well as her mouth.

"Fuck Louis you look so good right now" and that's all the encouragement he needs before he slides his hands up Harry’s length and places his lips on the tip.

Harry finally lets go of the chair and puts his hand trough Louis hair, roughly encouraging him to take more of him into his mouth.

"Louis your mouth is so pretty" Harry pants and Louis wonders if Harry’s words would make him wet down there if he was human, like how the girl in the book was.

Louis looks up at harry, who is panting and gasping as Louis continues his silent assault, it's a beautiful sight to see the way that Louis is affecting him.

Even though Louis doesn't feel Harry’s fingers through his hair, and the heaviness of Harry’s dick on his tongue, and the warm cum sliding down his throat, at least he can see the way he's affecting harry.

***

It's only a few seconds later when harry slides his boxers and uniform pants back up his legs and then reaches his hand out to grab Louis crotch.

"No-no" Louis stutters, he was not expecting that.

"What? You don't want me too?" Harry doesn't sound offended just surprised.

"I do. But you don't have to return the favor, I just wanted to do something for you." 

But the confusion doesn't leave Harry’s face, so Louis asks "what? Ben doesn't do that for you."

Harry’s face falls and Louis thinks he said the wrong thing, shit he shouldn't have brought up Ben.

"Ben has never given me a you know…" Harry trails off and looks away from Louis gaze.

"Ben has never given you a blowjob?" 

Harry shakes his head silently almost in embarrassment.

"Isn't that something couples do?" Louis can't help but sound confused he's new to all of this.

"Yeah but Ben is busy he's always working or tired" Harry's voice is so quite Louis has to lean into hear him.

"So you don't give him it either?" Louis almost smiles at the satisfaction he feels knowing that Harry and Ben aren't intimate.

"Oh no" harry pauses "I do. But he's just so tired after I'm done." Harry puts emphasis on the word tired like that's what Ben has instilled in his brain.

Louis thought he would be happy that Ben and Harry weren't intimate but this is worst much worst, Ben is using Harry and Harry seems to be blind to it all.

"Harry he's using you" Louis pauses when Harry’s face goes from embarrassed to angry but he continues anyway "can't you see he's using you?"

"You don't even know him" Harry growls and Louis moves away from him in shock. Is this the same Harry that was whimpering a few nights ago at bens harsh words?

"Harry I-"

"You don't know what he's done for me." Harry is literally growling at Louis but not meeting his eyes and Louis just won't allow that.

"Then tell me what has he done for you" this was not how this was supposed to go, Harry was supposed to lean on Louis for support.

"That is none of your fucking business" Harry shouts and stands up from the chair, Louis debates whether vanishing mid air would be worth it but when he sees the sadness behind Harry’s forest green eyes he tells himself he's not going anywhere.

"Louis I didn't mean to-" Harry is interrupted mid-apology when a quiet knock is heard at the door.

Shit, shit, shit.

If it's Ben he will go ape shit on Harry and Louis will lose it and the look on Harry’s face shows exactly what Louis thinking.

"Come in" Harry squeaks and Louis quickly moves to sit across from Harry at his desk.

To Louis utter fucking relief it's not Ben, its Zayn and Perrie.

Zayn gives Louis a knowing smirk as soon as he walks in and Perrie is oblivious to it at all smiling at Louis kindly. She's talked to Louis a few times, when Louis was there to visit Zayn, but she doesn't know he's an angel.

"Oh good you are both here" Perrie claps her hands excitedly and Zayn shuts the door behind them.

"Yeah what a coincidence" Zayn smirks and Louis wants to punch him in the face but harry seems to be oblivious to Zayn’s sarcasm.

"Hi, is there something wrong?" Harry asks gesturing for them to sit down.

"No of course not" Perrie speaks and Zayn sits back on the couch.

"Zayn gets out today and we wanted to throw him a little welcome home party tomorrow and both of you are invited." She continues speaking and Louis looks at Harry who is listening to Perrie listening intently and nodding.

“So Louis can you come?” Louis turns away from Harry, but not before Harry catches him staring and smiles slightly.

"Um sure, I'll need your address" Louis says and Harry nods.

"Zayn will text both of you" Louis looks at Zayn and he just nods his head like he knows Louis doesn't have a phone and he'll take care of it.

"Oh harry you can bring Ben too!" Zayn says and Louis coughs loudly what the hell? Why would Zayn say that?

"Ben will be busy" Harry says quietly eyeing Louis, but Louis looks away. 

Of course he'll be fucking busy, probably fucking his girlfriend.

"Of course" Zayn says the words to Harry but looks at Louis and Perrie hits him on the shoulder lightly.

Everyone stands up to leave and Louis wants to comfort Harry, but not like this not when he's angry so he shuts the door behind him without looking back.

***

"Why would you say that about Ben you know how I feel about him" Louis asks Zayn as soon as they step onto the corridor and away from Harry’s office.

"whoa am I missing something here?" Perrie asks, clearly amused.

"Nothing much, just that Louis here wants to get into the doctors pants" Zayn says smugly, and then looks at Louis who doesn't meet his gaze. "Oii Oiii I mean has already gotten into his pants" Zayn corrects himself when he sees the blush riding up Louis neck.

"Oh my god" Perrie laughs and Zayn puts his hand on Louis back saying "Atta boy"

"Don't patronize me" Louis huffs.

"I brought up Ben, so Harry would be sad that he can't come and you can swoop in and save the day" Zayn says and Louis realizes it's a good plan because harry did seem upset at the mention of Ben.

"whoa man are you in that deep?" Perrie asks, pressing the elevator button.

"No, no"

"Yes completely whipped" 

Zayn and Louis answer at the same time and Perrie laughs loudly.

"I am not whipped for Harry Styles" Louis says loudly, too loudly, and the next thing he knows Harry is next to him smiling like a lunatic.

"Really? And here I was about to give you my heart." Harry laughs, and Louis hates how smug and cute he looks.

"A different Harry Styles..." Louis murmurs, fuck where did he come from and why is he the center of everyone’s jokes today.

"Sure, sure" Zayn says, Perrie and Harry both giggle and Louis curses the damn elevator for taking so long.

"Well I would love to stay and be laughed at but I got to get to work." Louis huffs when the elevator beeps.

"Wait, I want to show you something" harry says and he doesn't wait for Louis to answer before tugging on Louis wrist and waving goodbye to Zayn and Perrie over his shoulder.

Louis doesn't protest as he trails behind harry, arms tied together. Fuck, he is whipped.

****   
Harry lets go of Louis hand when they reach the lab room, much to Louis disappointment.

“What did you wanna show me?” Louis ask, taking a seat on the stool, Harry sits beside him and in front of them are a bunch of test tubes, microscopes and a whole bunch of other doctor-y stuff that Louis has no idea about, but would love to hear Harry explain the purpose of each item to him.

“The first time I looked into a microscope I knew I wanted to be a doctor.” Harry says, looking into a small black microscope.  
He presses a button on the side of it before turning to Louis “Okay, give me your hand.”

Louis hesitantly pulls his hand out of his pocket “What for?”

Harry smiled, "Just a little blood, to test it out."

“Um no, I can’t”

Harry just giggles “I guess some people can handle more pain than others” and although his tone is light, Louis doesn’t miss how heavy the words actually are.

“Ok take a look at this” Harry gestures for Louis to look into the device.

“It’s bright” Louis squints.

“That’s me” Harry is standing directly behind Louis and Louis can almost feel his presence. “All those cells.”

“Is that all you are?” Louis asks standing up and turning around to face Harry.

“That and all the space between” Louis can feel the atmosphere and the air around them changing, becoming more intense and more passionate with every word that leaves Harry’s lips.

“If this is all you are……these cells….then when they die that’s the end.”  
Harry looks at Louis lips then his eyes, and then looks at the floor, thinking about his words.

“I don’t know. I think so.”

“Then how do you explain it?” Louis asks, he knows he’s asking too much but he doesn’t care.

“Explain what?”

“The enduring myth of heaven.”  
There’s a steady silence between them and Louis can see the cogs of Harry’s mind churning.

“I used to think that I had it all figured out” He finally answers.

“But you didn’t?”

“No” Another pause. “Because something happened in my O.R and I got…this jolt.”  
Louis stays silent ushering Harry to go on.

“I got this feeling that there’s something….bigger out there. Something bigger than me, bigger then you and it…” Harry steps closer to Louis “Does that sound crazy?”

“No.”

Louis can see the tears welling up in his eyes as he says, “I couldn’t fix him, I did everything right and…I couldn’t fix him. That’s not supposed to happen Lou.”

Louis can feel the air in the room shifting again, but he can’t describe what it is now.

“And I…”

“You cried.”

“Yeah.”

“Why do people cry?”

“What?” Harry wipes at his eyes with his palm. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, what happens physically?”

“Tear ducts operate on a normal basis to lubricate and protect the eye.” Louis nods. “When you have an emotion, they overact and create tears.”  
Harry’s answer isn’t good enough. “Why? Why do they over overact?”

“I don’t know.” Harry answers, he places his hand on the table next to Louis hips.

“Maybe emotions become so intense…” Louis says, he can see harry leaning in closer to him but he continues speaking.

 

“Maybe.”

“..Your body just can’t contain it.”

“Mhm”

“Your mind and your feelings become too powerful.” Louis voice is merely whisper and Harry is now towering over him gently cupping his face, and when Harry brings his pink lips down to connects with Louis lips, Louis shut his eyes, maybe just maybe if he thinks hard enough this time, he’ll feel him.


	8. Chapter Eight.

Harry was wiping down the kitchen counter when the doorbell rang, he immediately hoped it was Louis, it was weird but every time he wasn't with Louis, he was thinking about the next time he was going to see him.

He made his way to the door but stopped midway when the door handle shook and turned right, someone had the keys, shit shit it was Ben.

He immediately scolded himself for giving Ben the keys and hoping it was Louis, he had just see him a few hours ago, and Ben was his boyfriend, He shouldn’t be displeased at the thought of seeing his boyfriend instead of Louis.

Ben walked in smiling, with one empty duffel bag and one full duffel bag.

"Hey....what are those for?" Harry asked eyeing the bags.

"It's nice to see you too Harry" Ben said, he kissed harry on the cheek and Harry almost lifted his palm up to wipe it away, shit he needed to stop acting like this, Ben loved him a blowjob from Louis in his office wouldn't change that.

"Um yeah you too" Harry said following him into the apartment.

"Are we still on for dinner?" Ben asked, taking a seat on the kitchen counter that Harry had just wiped down.

"Shit dinner I forgot about that…I already ate." Harry didn’t forget about dinner he was just positive that Ben was going to cancel on him last minute like always.

"You forgot about dinner? What did you eat?" If they were a normal couple it would be a regular casual question but Harry knew Ben was interrogating him.

"We went to the pizza parlor." 

"We?" Shit.

"Yeah me and a friend from work, what are those bags for?"

“Who did you eat with?”

“A guy I met. I bumped into him and we got something to eat.” Harry adds “from work” When Ben quirks his bushy right eyebrow up at him.

 

When Ben doesn’t say anything else, Harry asks him again “Ben is that my backpack?”

“Yeah. I don’t know what stuff you want me to pack.” Ben stands up from the counter and makes his way to the hallway, Harry follows closely behind him.

“Don’t go through my stuff, what are you packing for?” Harry stands in front of his closet and Ben gives him a bored look, which Harry ignores.

“I thought we'd fly up to Tahoe, use your uncle's cabin...” Harry stays quiet not knowing how to tell Ben that he simply doesn’t want too “...maybe do a little hiking.”

“What?”

“So what did you and your friend...What did you say his name was?” Ben changes the subject again.

“Seth” Harry lies easily, an ability he didn’t even know he possessed, what’s worst is he only feels a little guilty for lying to his boyfriend.

“Seth” Ben murmurs quietly. “Well what did you two talk about?”

Harry turns his eyes away from Ben trying to remember any words that were exchanged before there kiss. 

This was the third time they had kissed now, not that Harry was keeping count or anything.

Shit, Harry focus.

“We talked about dying.”  
Ben gave him an incredulous look.

“Come on, we deal with life and death every day. Why can't we talk about it?” Harry said shutting his closet and sitting next to Ben on the bed.

“I hope you won't become a surgeon who prays in the O.R.” Ben says and Harry almost smacks him on the head, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Harry wants to talk to Ben about taking a break for a bit, so he can clear his head, his life is a mess right now, but it’s also the happiest he’s been in a while, he can already picture his bedside lamp crushed against the wall, if Harry were to say the words “I want a break” to him.

“Can we talk for a minute?”

“We can talk while were camping.” Bens says standing up.

‘Ben, I can’t go camping now” He says thinking about seeing Louis tomorrow.

“We need to spend some time together” Harry can see the concern behind his eyes or is it fear? He’s not sure.

“Ok how about this.” Harry says turning his head to face Ben, inches apart. He can smell the weird old spice cologne that Ben wears every day. “Let’s see if we can just spend minutes together, seconds.”

Ben looks at him like he has food stuck in between his teeth.

“Let's see if we can just stand still together for minutes.”

“Doing what?”

“Just like being here.” Harry whispers “just being in the moment.”

Ben quickly stands up. “I’ll get the trail map.”

“No, I mean it.” Harry says standing up and reaching Bens height, he’s a few inches taller then Ben, but meets his eyes easily. “Nothing but us.”

“What do I do?” Ben sighs.

“Just look at me.”

Seconds of awkward silence pass before Ben burst into a fit of laughter. “You are so weird.”

“You can’t do it.” Harry says, giving him a pointed look “You can’t even do it.”

“You can’t either.” Ben is still laughing. “You blinked like 30 times in the span of five seconds.”

“Its whatever, I still can’t go camping tomorrow” Harry sighs leaving the room and walking in to the bathroom, locking the door behind him.

He waits until he hears the front door slam, before he allows himself to step into the shower to think about how he and Louis can stare at each other for hours if they wanted, he isn’t aware of Louis sitting on his bathroom toilet watching his every move and grinning like a Cheshire cat.  
***

Harry agreed to meet Louis in front of the hospital after his shift, so they can ride to the Zayns party together.  
When he steps out into the street, it’s already dark out and Louis is standing on the curb in his regular black attire.

“Hi” Harry mumbles walking up to him.  
Louis smiles at him kindly, standing to his right as he hails a cab.

They both fall into a comfortable silence after they step into the cab and harry gives the driver the address to Zayn and Perrie’s apartment building.

“Hey I was wondering if god has another message for me.” Harry voice is calm, and if Louis was human he would able to feel the vibration of Harry’s body next to him and the mint on his breath.

Louis smiles next to him, “He’s worried about you.”

“Worried?” Harry questions, quickly glancing at the driver, then back to Louis.

“He worries that you never sleep and that you don’t smile enough, he loves to see you smile.” Harry wants to protest that he’s smiled more in the past 10 days then he has in months but decides against it.

There’s another long silence before Harry speaks again. “Sometimes I think you’re the only one who understands me.” Harry’s eyes are wide as soon as the words are out and Louis wonders if he was meant to hear his kind words.

“What about your boyfriend?” Harry gives him a guilty nod. “Do you still love him?”

“I use to think I did.” Harry looks out the window, thinking that this way too deep of a conversation to be having in a taxi. When he turns back to Louis, he realizes that Louis is waiting for a better answer. “I used to think I love, well loved him but now I don’t know if it was just because I was technically obligated too.”

“What does that mean?”

“I don’t know?” Harry meets Louis eyes in the rear view mirror when he says “I was hoping you could tell me.”

Louis doesn’t know what to say, so he decides to give him a bullshit answer. “Well love is a word…Describing a chemical reaction…”  
“It’s just crap. I’m full of crap” Harry’s voice is louder now, ignoring the driver and turning to Louis completely, thighs touching.

 

“I wait all day, just hoping for one more minute with you...and I don't even know you.”

“Well, what do you want to know?” It’s the only thing Louis can think of to say.

“Why do you wear the same clothes all the time?”

“I don’t kn-”

“Why won’t you give me your phone number?” Harry is looking straight into Louis eyes, Louis can’t take his eyes off where there thighs are connecting.

“Are you married?” 

Louis giggles. “No.”

“Are you homeless?”

Technically the library is his home. “No.”

“Are you a drummer?”

“I’m more of a triangle guy if I do so say so myself.” This causes a light giggle to escape Harry’s soft pink lips, and Louis smiles up at him.  
Another silence passes them and Louis can see the uncertainty behind Harry’s eyes, He’s staring hard at the back of the Cab drivers head.

“What is it?’

“Why don’t you ever touch me?” He hears the sharp intake of breath from the driver but ignores it as he puts his palm on Harry’s hand.

“What..I do?”

“I mean like completely, like you’re so out of it when you touch me.” Harry’s cheeks flush as he looks down at his lap. “I sound crazy I just- I don’t know.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Hurt me??” Harry tugs on Louis chin forcing him to meet his eyes. “You won’t hurt me.”  
Harry can see the complete fear and confusion or what he thinks is confusion on Louis face, so he gently leans in and kisses Louis jaw, it’s a long and gentle kiss but when he looks up Louis face is blank eyes now empty.

“Did you even feel that?” Harry’s tone is silent but the hardness behind it is not lost on Louis.

“If I could make you understand…” 

“I understand” Harry snaps. “How long until we get there?” Harry asks the driver, and Louis cowers away, because no he doesn’t understand, he could never understand how much Louis has to give up to be with him.

“It’s right down this street Sir.” The man says, and harry grumbles a thanks before leaning back in his seat.  
****

Harry is in front of Louis, ignoring him completely as he walks into the party, Louis wants to disappear as soon as they walk in though because Harry quickly gets lost in the crowd.

Louis turns back around deciding to leave, but Perrie sees him before he can make a hasty retreat.

“Hey, where you going?” Her hair is up in a knot and she’s wearing a white dress that has black lining that’s the same shade as black that is covering her eyes.  
Louis ignores her questions. “You look great.”

Perrie smiles and mumbles ‘thanks’ before pulling his arm and leading him deeper into the crowded apartment. “C’mon lets meet some people.”  
Louis doesn’t have it in him to tell her no, so he silently follows her in the kitchen.

“Are you hungry?” The kitchen island is filled with platters of food, only a few Louis knows the name of.   
Around the counter are tall bar stools that all seem to be occupied, but it’s less crowded in the kitchen then it was out there.

“Sure” Louis nods, Perrie pulls out a stool for him, and he sits right next to Zayn, who hands him a beer.  
Harry walks in not even a second later, Louis meets his eyes immediately in the doorway and he looks guilty? Louis not sure.

“Aye Doc come here’” Zayn calls to harry pulling out the stool right next to Louis.

Harry smiles kindly at Zayn before crossing into the crowded room and sitting next to Louis.   
He’s not sure if he should curse god, or thank him.


	9. Chapter Nine.

Louis thought the worst thing he ever felt was Harry pressed up against him touching him when he couldn't feel it but this was so much worst, their knees were touching but Harry was a million miles away refusing to look at Louis.

Louis decides that he's having none of it and places his palm lightly on Harry's thigh underneath the counter top.

 

Harry immediately stills and meets Louis eyes.

 

"Harry I'm sorry, I'll swear I'll explain everything." Louis didn't plan on doing this but it's about time and Harry deserves to know.

 

Harry’s eyes fill with surprise before he nods at Louis smiling. "Okay."

 

"Not here, let's go" before Louis could stand up, Zayn stopped them.

 

"You guys just got here, you're not leaving already?" It was more of a demand then a question, and Harry smiled sheepishly at him.

 

“Perrie will have your heads if she knows you guys left before the party even started.”

Perrie was sitting across the room, she had a Polaroid camera held up to her face, and she was pointing it at two girls who were smiling widely at the camera lens.

She looked over to them at the mention of her name, she pulled the camera back up to her face and before Louis could react, Harry was leaning into him and the shudder of the camera was going off.

When a white piece of paper was sliding out of the paper, Louis stood up abruptly, he should just go over and snatch it, but Perrie was already sticking it up on the fridge.

“It takes a minute to dry.” She said and Louis huffed, sitting back down, he had to get out of here before the picture appeared blank and everyone would ask him a 1000 questions.

“Um I’m gonna use the bath room.” Louis announced quietly shuffling towards the fridge.

“You okay?” Harry mouthed towards him.

Louis smiled and nodded, he stood by the fridge until everyone drew their attention away from him, he sneakily pulled the red magnet off the picture Perrie just hung and rushed out the room.

His actions like always were caught by Harry though, who contemplated following after him, but decided against leaving Zayn by himself.

“How long have you known Louis?” Harry turned to Zayn, lifting his beer to his lips before answering.

“Not very long.”  He hummed. “But I feel like I’ve known him forever” He added silently.

Zayn was quiet, studying Harry’s side profile.

“So how did you two meet?” Harry asks.

“He works with me at the site.” Zayn didn’t meet Harry’s eyes. “Construction work.”

“I thought he was a messenger?” Harry asked eyebrows knit together.

“He was…before he moved down here.” Harry knew he was lying but he didn’t want to call him out on it, especially when he knew nothing about Louis himself.

“Moved from where?” Harry knew he was interrogating him but he didn’t care.

“Up.” Zayn answer was short as he scanned the room.

“Up like north?”

“A bit higher.” Zayn said taking a sip from his almost empty beer bottle.

“Like Canada?”

Zayn smirked at Harry, “Yeah, sure.” He stood up then obviously done with the conversation. “I’m gonna get another, why don’t you go find Lou?” Zayn said and walked off before Harry could say another word.

Harry stood up as well, grabbing two beers from the cooler and walked out to search for Louis.

The living room was pretty crowded, but Harry found his way to the bath room easily because it was a small apartment and the other door lead to the master bedroom, so the other one had to be the bathroom.

The light peeked from underneath the door and Harry knocked gently.

“Lou?” No answer.

Harry tried knocking again. “You okay Lou?”

He couldn’t hear any sound coming from between the door, so he shook the door knob to find it unlocked, he opened the door and was surprised to find it empty, okay he was lying to himself, and it wasn’t even a surprise anymore when Louis disappeared on him.

He reached down to his jean pocket for his phone before he realized that Louis didn’t have a phone, he was about to leave the bathroom when a white thin piece of cardboard sitting on the edge of the tub caught his eye.

Curiosity got the better of him and he closed the door behind him before he grabbed the piece of paper, he realized at closer inspection that it was a Polaroid, A Polaroid of him that Perrie had taken just moments ago, except instead of a picture of him, Louis and Zayn it was just a picture of  Harry and Zayn with a blank space between them, an empty space between them, Harry studied the picture closer and he could see the shadow of Louis on the table in front of him, but Louis himself was nowhere in the small rectangle picture.

****

“So you just left him?” Liam asked. “How does this kid not hate you?” Louis had been sitting with Liam at the Pub the entire day, watching everyone that went in and out, listening to people’s conversation, but mostly they talked about Harry and Louis.

“It wasn’t my fault.  There was a fire 7 blocks down, a man in his 30s, had no way out. I had to go.” Louis said. Liam and him were sitting in a booth in the corner of the small pub, more and more people crowded the small place the later it got.

“And you haven’t talked to him since last night?” Liam asked, Louis shook his head, How was he supposed to explain everything to Harry, he knew he was ready to tell him but he didn’t know how to explain it to him, would he even believe him?

“I would give another lecture on the huge mistake your making, even talking to him, but I know you don’t want to hear it.” Louis knew Liam wouldn’t approve of the past couple of weeks he was spending with Harry, but he didn’t need Liam to tell him what was wrong and right he knew that talking to a human and especially outing yourself to a human was wrong, but he really truly couldn’t help it.

“Your right Li, I don’t want to hear it.” Louis said dismissing the topic.

“You know humans don’t live forever right?” Liam said quietly but Louis didn’t hear it too busy staring at the man who had just walked in.

It was crowded and dark but Louis could make out scruff and figure of the man.

“Liam, I think that’s Ben.” Louis hissed, flicking his head towards where Ben was waiting by the door.

“Harry’s boyfriend?” Liam asked now not so discreetly staring at where Ben was standing.

“Yes Liam, keep up!” Louis hissed.

Louis didn’t know why Ben was waiting by the door, He hoped to god he wasn’t waiting for his girlfriend, that would just add to the list of things he was keeping from Harry.

“He’s fit” Liam said and Louis tore his eyes away from the door to scowl at Liam.

“Whatever let’s get out of here I don’t want to see him.” Louis said standing up, he and Liam were invisible to everyone in the Pub, and for once he was grateful for it.

“Do you want to see _him_?” Liam said flicking his head to the door.

“Fuck.” Harry was here, Harry was here _with Ben_ and Louis wanted the ground to the swallow him hole.

Louis sat back down muttering a string of curse words.

Louis ignored the weird pang of jealousy he felt, when harry leaned down to kiss Ben.

_No, he wasn’t supposed to feel anything._

“Let’s go.” Liam said when he noticed the sour expression written all over Louis face.

“No, I can’t hear them from here; there are too many thoughts in here.” Louis said, he stood up and Liam yanked his hand back although he couldn’t feel Liam’s palm around his wrist he felt himself being dragged back.

“What?” Louis asked giving him a death stare.

“You can’t just- You can’t just- what are you going to do? He’ll see you.” Liam was standing up now too, obviously trying to play the authority.

“He won’t see me, duh.” Louis argued.

“You’ve been hanging out with him for how long now? Trust me he’ll feel you.” Liam argued but Louis was already walking towards the bar.

“You coming or what?” He called over his shoulder, smirking.

And fuck, of course Liam wasn’t going to let him do idiotic things by himself, so he followed him to the Bar sitting on a stool next to Louis, they were only three empty stools away from Harry and Ben.

“Now what?” Liam sighed.

“Now we shut up and listen.” Louis said.

 

It had only been 37 minutes and 11 seconds since Louis and Liam been sitting on the bar snooping, when Louis decided that he wanted none of it anymore.

He had already seen Ben kiss him, Order him around, dance with him and yank him into the bathroom, _twice_ , and enough was enough.

Harry was completely and belligerently drunk out of his mind, and Louis almost felt bad for him almost, but his mind was tainted with images of Harry’s lips on Bens and the guilty look that Liam was giving him.

“I’m done, let’s go.” Louis said, he was about to stand up, leave, and never look back, when a high pitched girly scream rung trough his ear.

_“Beeeeeeeen” who the hell?_

Louis turns his head to where the sound is coming from to see a blonde girl in a tight red dress, the same red that is painted on her lips, nearing the bar.

As soon Ben spotted her he stood up frantically and separated himself from Harry.

Harry stood up too eyebrows knit in confusion, Louis felt annoyed at the distance from him and whatever was about to go down.

“C’mon Liam I need to get closer.” Louis ushered, he turned around to face his best friend but Liam sheepishly shook his head. “Your alone on this one mate, I have to go” and just like that Liam was gone.

Louis sighed before he quickly made his way and stood only a few inches away from Harry and the scene that was folding.

Immediately harry snapped his head up and looked around the room when he felt Louis presence.

But harry was snapped out of his wondering thoughts, when the girl stepped closer to Ben and said, “Ben, who’s this?”

Louis sat down on the stool nearest him watching the group carefully.

“I’m Har- wait don’t I know you?” Harry said calmly, and Ben watched Harry’s eyes widen with realization. “You work on floor eight right?”

“Yeah, she does” Ben answered for her and he shot a warning at Harry when he tried to shake her hand.

“Ben how do you two know each other?”  Harry asked kindly.

“I- we-work and stuff” Ben stuttered out and Louis would’ve laughed at him if Harry wasn’t in the middle of this.

“Ben didn’t tell? Me and Ben have been dating.” Everything seemed too go silent as the girl whose name Louis didn’t even know spoke the words.

Harry’s pupils seemed to double and he stepped away from Ben, Ben turned his face to Harry, his eyes were filled with guilt and Louis quickly stood up, ready to punch Ben, he felt a whole new wave emotions course through him, mostly anger.

The girl seemed to be blind to it all as she stepped closer to Ben and wrapped her tiny arm around Ben’s waist as she continued to speak. “I can’t believe you still aren’t telling people it’s been months.”

Harry seemed frozen to the spot, eyes unmoving and mouth ajar and Louis stood next to him watching helplessly.

When the girl leaned up to kiss Ben on the cheek, Harry seemed to snap out of his frozen state.

“Ben?” His voice was low and came out cracked. “How could you?”

“Is he okay babe?” The girl asked and Harry snapped his head to her eyes narrowing.

“Am I okay…” his voice was low, deadly and Louis didn’t know what to do, he had never seen this side of him.

“I think he had too much to drink…maybe I should take him home.” Bens eyes were pleading with Harry as he stepped closer to him, placing his hand on his shoulder.

“GET THE FUCK OFF ME.” Harry yelled shoving Ben.

Thinking quickly, Louis ran to the door and made himself visible before he stepped back in the bar, he shouted “Harry is that you?” before quickly walked over to red-rimmed eye harry.

“Louis what are you- How did you- This is too much.” Ben watched as Louis took his rightful place beside harry.

“What’s going on?” he asked, Bens eyes were wide as Louis stepped closer to him, threatening him.

“I don’t even know, I think your friend had a little too much to drink.” The girl said and Ben quietly shushed her.

 “Please get me out of here.” Harry said, his cheeks were flushed, eyes rimmed and he could barely stand up straight as Louis gave one last menacing glare at Ben and pulled Harry out of the bar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All rights reserved.


	10. Chapter Ten.

“Are you okay?” Was the first thing Louis asked as he stepped out of the stupid crowded bar with Harry leaned against his shoulder.

“That’s a dumb question to ask.” Harry’s tone was quiet and for a second Louis thought he was crying, but when he turned to face Harry, he had a small grin on his face.

“Right- Um- How do you feel?” Louis asked. Harry could barely stand up straight; he was tripping over Louis legs with every other step.

“Dandy.” Harry’s voice was monotone, and Louis gently led him to the stone wall, leaning Harry against it.  
For the first time in a long time, Louis was in a terribly awkward situation, one where he couldn’t easily escape and never look back, hell he had planned on leaving harry and never seeing him again only minutes ago back in the bar, but Louis didn’t want to escape, no matter how much his brain was telling him to run for the legs, his legs stayed put, as he leaned against the wall mere centimeters away from Harry.

“Should I hail a cab? Take you home? I don’t- I don’t know what to do.” Louis murmured, voice quite but frantic nonetheless.  
Harry turned his head to face Louis; his eyebrows were knit in confusion as he studied Louis, before he broke out in a toothy smile. 

“I’ve never seen you like this.” Harry slurred. “So- So flustered.”

Louis giggled then, “I’ve never been this flustered.”

A moment of silence passed them, they were both quietly grinning despite the crazy situation that took place moments ago.

“I don’t know what I would’ve done if you didn’t show up.” Harry said and Louis turned his face to stare at his favorite face once more.

“I would never hit anyone, but in that moment I saw red and my hands twitched at my sides, I was one second away from strangling both of them, I wanted to hurt him, like seriously hurt him. Does-“ Harry stopped mid- sentence and Louis gave him time to continue, but he just broke eye contact and stared at the people and cars passing by them in the dark, unaware of the sad boy standing 10 feet away from them.

“Does what Harry?” Louis said, he lifted his hand up and placed it on Harry’s cheek, softly urging harry to look at him. He didn’t like it when Harry wasn’t looking at him.

“Does that make me a bad person?” What? He couldn’t be serious.

“What? You wanting to hurt him?” Louis wanted to laugh at the question, but one look at Harry and he knew that Harry was actually concerned.

“Of course not babe.” Louis assured him. “This actually proves that you were too good for him, he cheated on you, embarrassed you and lied to you and you’re genuinely feeling guilty for wanting to hurt him? He doesn’t deserve you for a day, he’s lucky he got two years with you.”  
Harry smiled lightly but he still looked unsure, Louis wanted to go inside and kill Louis, give harry a reason to be guilty.

“But-”

“He doesn’t deserve you.” Louis interrupted and before Louis could get another word, Harry’s lips were on his.  
Harry’s lips tasted like lime vodka and mint and Louis was slowly falling in love with the doctor with long brown curly hair, green eyes and who kissed him with so much passion and so much tongue it was overwhelming.

“My place is like a 5 minute walk from here” Harry gasped out in one breath as Louis puckered up his lips and kissed down his jaw line, Louis didn’t exactly know what he was doing but harry was letting out little moans and whimpers that were music to his ears, so there was no way Louis was stopping.

“Let’s go.” Louis said. But made no move to move away from his beloved boy.

“Only if you carry me.” Harry grinned leaning down to kiss Louis once more on his now pink lips.  
Louis grinned back, turning around so his back was against Harry’s front.

“Hop on.”

Harry grinned wide even though Louis couldn’t see him before he hopped onto Louis back and wrapped his long legs around Louis thighs and his arms around his neck.  
Harry didn’t even think about Ben once as Louis walked down the sidewalk with Harry, whose limbs were securely wrapped around the older boys small frame as he giggled into his ear with the dim street lights illuminating there silhouettes. 

****

 

“Do you want anything to drink water? Wine?” Harry was leaning against his kitchen fridge with Louis sitting on his cold granite kitchen island.

“I think you drank enough alcohol for the both of us, don’t ya?” Louis grinned, and Harry giggled nodding.  
He wasn’t as drunk and unstable as he was outside the bar, he was slowly coming down from his high but the glint in his eyes was still there.

“Come here” Louis beckoned him over, not liking the distance between them, Louis opened his legs wider and harry gladly made his way between them and leaned his head on Louis shoulder.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Louis asked, he could see the wheels churning behind Harry’s eyes, from the second they stepped into the apartment and he couldn’t just not talk about it, not ask him. 

“I’d rather do something else, if I’m being quite honest.” Harry smirked against Louis neck.

“You don’t have to like act like everything’s okay? I don’t know how to put this…Um like you can talk to me about it if you want.” Louis didn’t know how to really confront harry about this, he had never done this before, and he didn’t want to push it, but he could somehow tell that harry was keeping up this giggling goofy exterior to stop himself from breaking down and of course Louis didn’t want him to act like everything was okay, when it wasn’t.

Harry had stopped kissing down Louis neck and stood frozen at Louis words. “Okay” he murmured not looking at Louis.

“Look at me.”  
Harry slowly lifted his head from Louis neck, he tried to smile at Louis but his eyes were starting to water.

“Okay?” Louis whispered.

“I don’t want to talk about it, he’s out of my life now, and hopefully won’t be back.” Harry sighed.

“Alrig-”

“And you know what?” Harry raised his voice wiping at his eyes angrily, he didn’t wait for Louis answer,

“I should’ve known, I should’ve fucking known he was with her, the constant phone calls, the nights he said he couldn’t stay, every single thing is adding up now and I think the biggest fucking problem in this mess was always me, I would be lying if I said I didn’t know the shit he was pulling I knew he was seeing someone else, but I made myself blind to it because I believed in that ‘he was the love of my life’ shit but boy was I wrong, I don’t even think I loved him he was just there for me when I first came out when no one else was, yup that’s what he was, stability that’s all. I don’t need him. I don’t fucking need him.” Harry was pacing around the small kitchen; he signed deep after his speech and looked at Louis who was listening intently feeling feelings for a boy that he was growing used too now.

Louis stepped down from the countertop and was in front of harry in seconds wiping away his angry tears and repeating “you don’t need him” over and over again.

****

“I don’t want to take advantage of you when your drunk” Louis was sprawled against Harry’s huge bed, with harry straddling his waist.

“Advantage? I want this.” Harry ushered, he tugged on the hem of Louis black t-shirt and Louis looked up at him, cheeks and lips a light shade of red.

“Are you sure?” Fact is, Louis knew Harry was sure but he didn’t know if he was sure, he didn’t want his first time to be something he could only see, not feel.  
But with harry like this, on top of him shirtless desperate for him, his mind became foggy.

“Positive.” Harry smirked grinding his jean clad crotch against Louis, and fuck it did it even matter if Louis couldn’t feel it, if Harry could feel it and he could see harry feel him, all of him then what else mattered.

“Fuck okay, fuck.” Louis panted, pulling Harry by the back of his neck down to his lips.  
Harry smiled into their kiss and Louis couldn’t help but buck his hips to try and feel something, to feel harry but it didn’t work. Louis heart was racing and his jeans were becoming snugger there.

It’s as if his body could feel everything that Harry was doing to him, the kisses, the marks and the pressure of his body on top of his, but Louis, himself couldn’t feel it.

“I don’t know what to do- I’ve never…” Louis rushed out thinking it was important that harry knew just exactly what he was getting into, But by the way harry was kissing him and looking a him Louis had no problem with just laying back and letting the younger boy doing whatever he wanted to him.

“You’ve never been with a boy?” Harry asked, he slid Louis shirt off of him and threw it behind him.

“Um…yeah.” I have never been with anyone, Louis wanted to say but couldn’t.

“Do you still want to-“

“Yes.” Louis wanted this, Louis wanted to be able to give harry him, all of him. “You just got like lead me trough it.” 

“Okay” Harry was smiling wide and he leaned down to Louis ear, nibbling. “First let’s get you naked.”

Louis nodded helping harry slide his jeans and boxers down his legs. “Your turn.” Louis said and Harry giggled mumbling “Yes sir.” Before ridding himself of the only barrier between them.

“I’ll use my fingers first since you have never done this.” Harry said but his voice held no judgment for which Louis was incredibly grateful.

He leaned over and pulled open the top drawer of his night stand he pulled out two small packets that looked little pieces of in foils, and a small clear jar that held a light blue liquid.

Louis watched quietly as he opened the lid to the jar and stuck two fingers in, his index and middle finger, gathering the gel like liquid on his fingers.

Louis watched in awe as he brought his fingers down between them and to his pink little hole and watched as Harry’s long slender fingers slid in and out of his hole, little moans and escaped Harry’s pink lips as he fingered himself on top of Louis.

Louis watched as his own cock leaked white liquid, it almost looked pain, he wondered what it felt like he slowly wrapped his palm around his own cock, but nothing.

“Let me.” Louis said eagerly and Harry nodded as Louis dunk his fingers in the lube and brought his hand down to Harry’s hole.

“Like this?” Louis asked sliding both fingers in at once and then immediately pulling them out before plunging them back in. Harry didn’t answer him but the deep throaty groan he released was answer enough. 

After a few more thrusts harry stopped Louis hand and pulled it out from under him. “I don’t want to come yet.”

“O-okay.” Louis said and harry could probably sense Louis nervousness because he leaned over to kiss Louis on his lips softly before dipping his fingers back in the blue lube.  
Harry gripped Louis cock and leisurely slid his rough and sticky palm up and down Louis shaft, and Louis bucked his hips up wanting to feel, always wanting to feel.

“Ready?” Harry asked and Louis nodded eagerly as harry positioned himself on top of his cock, before sliding all the way down, until Louis entire cock had disappeared inside of him.

Harry’s moans and Louis heavy breathing filled the room and Louis couldn’t help but watch Harry in amazement as Harry rode his cock, with his eyes screwed in pleasure with groans and moans leaving his bruised lips.

“You’re beautiful.” Louis gasped, bucking up his hips loving what he was doing to Harry.  
With one last thrust, Harry was coming on Louis stomach and the sigh alone brought Louis to his own release, something that had never happened before.

Harry slid off of Louis and breathed into his neck, “So are you.”

****

“Thanks” Louis mumbled as harry slid the red washcloth over Louis stomach and his own legs before pressing his lips to the skin he just cleaned.

“How do you feel?” Harry asked tossing the cloth in a white basket across the room.

“Good better than good, I’m glad you were my first.” Louis said as harry spread himself against Louis shoulder, they had both put there boxers back on for bed.

“I can’t believe you never been with a boy, did you just realize you like boys or something?” Harry was genuinely curious and how would Louis tell harry that he had never liked anyone before him, he didn’t even know what “liking” or “loving” someone one was until a few weeks ago.

No, I don’t like boys or girls it’s you it’s just you, Louis wanted to answer but he just nodded his head biting his tongue.

“That must be hard for you, realizing you like men now and having to deal with all the stuff you go trough as teen.” Harry said, and Louis had no idea what he was talking about.

“Back where I’m from it doesn’t matter if you like boys or girls, so it’s not real a big deal for me.” Louis said it was true, angels didn’t have labels as “gay” or “lesbian” you liked who you liked and no one judged anyone for it.

“Canada?” Harry asked.

“What?”

“Back where you’re from? In Canada? Zayn said you’re from way up north I just assumed it was Canada.” Harry said tracing little circle and heart patters onto Louis chest.

“Yeah, I am.” Louis gulped. “Let’s sleep yeah? You had a long day.”

“Right.” Harry said leaning up to kiss Louis once more in the lips before snuggling into him more, and boy could Louis get use to this.  
Louis didn’t even mind lying awake for 8 hours if he got to be next to Harry.

****

“Good morning” Harry yawned as soon as he cracked his eyes open and saw Louis laying quietly next to him, eyes wide open. “Have you been up long?”

Louis forced out a fake yawn, “No. only a few minutes.”

“How did you sleep?” Harry asked, and Louis would be lying if he said he said he was fine, truth is his mind was in overdrive all night thinking about how he was going to tell harry that he couldn’t feel, how do you even tell a human such a thing, Zayn’s words about turning human were playing like a broken record in his mind and his guilt about constantly lying to harry was eating him alive, but he couldn’t just make a huge decision about his life, something he never even knew about in a matter of days.

“Lou?”

“Sorry, I slept fine.” Louis grinded out. “How did you sleep?” Louis rushed out, taking the attention away from him.

“Good, my head is killing me.” Harry groaned snuggling into Louis neck. “I wish I could sleep until I die.” Harry said and Louis giggled running his finger trough Harry’s hair.

“I have to go soon.” Louis said, his mind was foggy around him and he needed to talk to Liam or Zayn.

“At least let me make you breakfast.” Harry said lifting his head to look at Louis and how could Louis say no to him?

“Okay, ill help.” Louis said getting up from the bed; Harry got up as well and pulled out a white t-shirt from the dresser before pulling it over his head, Louis got dressed as well in the only clothes he owned.

“Why do you always wear the same clothes?” Harry asked, Louis looked up at him as he slid on his jeans, buttoning them. He was genuinely curious.

“I like black.” Louis said, and that was the end of that conversation.

“Do you like omelets?” Harry asked as he led Louis in to the kitchen, He washed his hand before opening the fridge.

“Sure.” Louis said not even knowing what the hell that was, but he wouldn’t be tasting it anyway.  
Harry pulled out eggs, milk, cheese and a few vegetables out of the fridge placing them on the counter top. 

“What can I do?” Louis asked as harry closed the fridge.

“You can chop the vegetables, while I get the pan heated.” Harry said, he pulled out a knife and a cutting board from the dishwasher and placed them in front of Louis, he kissed Louis on the corner of his mouth before turning back to the stove and Louis couldn’t keep the grin off his face as he grabbed a red bell pepper and started dicing.

A few silent minutes passed between them, before Harry grabbed a bowl and stood next to Louis as he cracked eggs into a clear bowl.

“Tell me more about yourself.” Harry said randomly and Louis looked at him in panic not even realizing the knife slipping from his hand and cutting his thumb, But harry didn’t miss it.

“What the-” Harry eyebrows knit in confusion and Louis quickly grabbed the white and blue striped dish towel and covered his left hand.

“How did- How is there no blood?” Harry asked stepping closer to Louis, Louis backed away at the same time.

Fuuuuuck.

“I heel fast?” Louis said weakly as he cowered against the wall pressing the dishtowel tightly against his palm.

“Let me see.” Harry’s shock was slowly turning into anger and Louis mind was in overdrive planning a million escapes but none of them were sensible.

“Let me see your hand.” Harry grinded out and he didn’t wait for Louis to react before he pulled on his left hand and yanked the dish towel off letting it drop to the floor.  
He turned Louis hand over once, then again examining it.

“But I saw it, I saw the knife slip, I saw you get cut. How- how the hell?” Harry dropped Louis hand stepping away from him like he was scared of Louis, perhaps he was.

“Please.” Louis whispered looking at the front door and then back to Harry.  
Harry had grabbed the knife and walked closer to Louis again.

“Harry please.” Louis mumbled again, but Harry ignored his pleas and grabbed Louis hand once more, Louis watched helplessly as Harry dragged the knife against the palm of his hand and whimpered when a red slit appeared and disappeared in a matter of seconds.

“What the fuck?” Harry shouted and dropped the knife to the floor, scurrying away from Louis.

“I can explain, please harry let me explain.” Louis rushed stepping closer to Harry.

“Get the fuck away from me.” Harry yelled, his eyes watered and Louis stayed still, not knowing what to do.

“I don’t have the ability to feel, I’m an angel.” The words were a whisper but Harry had heard because he broke out in a sarcastic laugh.

“Stop fucking with me, tell me the truth.” Harry threatened.

“It’s true I swear it, I don’t have the ability to feel.” How could Harry not believe him when he was telling him the truth now?

“But we-” Harry stopped mid-sentence staring at Louis, mind churning. “You don’t expect me to actually believe that do you??”

“I’m Sorry; I should’ve told you when I first met you, I just I didn’t know all of this would happen I didn’t know I would fall in love with you.” The words are out before Louis can stop himself and he doesn’t wish to take them back.

“In love with me? You can’t even feel me…you lied to me…you’ve been lying to me, you aren’t capable of feeling shit!!” Harry shouts and Louis wants to tell him that yes I can feel you, only you. But he doesn’t know how to explain the fucked up way his mind works.

“I am capable of having feelings for you, I didn’t know I could, but I can.” Louis just needs Harry to believe him, fuck this is all such a mess if he would’ve told harry when they first kissed, it wouldn’t have been like this he could’ve done everything differently

“Get out.” Harry says and turns his back to Louis, like he can’t even look at him. 

“What?” this can’t be happening, Louis thinks.

“Get out.’ Harry says louder “I don’t want to see you again.” Harry says instantly regretting it and knowing it’s a lie when he turns around to an empty kitchen and empty apartment; Louis is gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written by @larriemix on twitter.


	11. Chapter Eleven.

“You okay man?” Niall asked he was in white scrubs and changing a little baby’s diaper on the changing table.

“Is it that obvious?” Harry replied, rubbing his eyes he hadn’t gotten proper rest in three days, since the morning he dismissed Louis.

“Yeah, what happened did you and Ben end things?” Niall asked he placed the baby back into a clear cradle after wrapping the little thing in a blue cotton blanket.

“Yes, But I could care less about that.” It was true, he hadn’t answered any of Bens constant texts or calls, but he didn’t even have it in him to care about his breakup from his only long term relationship, he was only worried about one thing; Louis.

He had no idea how to get in contact with him, not that he tried anything, his mind had been in overdrive since Louis ‘in love with you’ confession. He had immediately told Louis that he wasn’t capable that everything he had said and did was a lie, but then why did the words sound so good coming from Louis lips, and why couldn’t Harry get them out of his head?

“Well what is it?” Harry had almost forgotten that he was in a nursery with Niall.

“Do you… Do you think angels are real?” Harry asked timidly.

Niall stared at harry like he was growing another head, “No…”

“I do.”

****

“You’re a pussy is what you are.” Zayn said standing up to press his boot heel against the burning cigarette butt.

“He doesn’t want to see me, I should just go to Canada or some shit.” Louis grumbled, and Zayn laughed loudly.

“He asked you about Canada? Curious isn’t he?” Zayn said still grinning.

“Yeah but I mean he has the right to be, well had.” Louis said bitterly, he hadn’t seen or heard of Harry in three days, he spent most of his time on the roof of Zayn’s apartment complex being bitter and refusing to see Harry, especially after the look he had given him when he told him to get out.

“You need to go see him; you’re like a love sick puppy. I can only imagine how he’s like.” Zayn told him for what happened to be the 16th time.

“He’s probably planning my murder.” Louis groaned burying his face into his hands.

“Good, then you can be human and stop prolonging what we all know is going to happen.” 

“I want to its just-” Louis stopped mid-sentence not wanting to voice his only fear out loud.

“Spit out man.”

“What if like he doesn’t want me anymore? What of he’s so angry that he doesn’t want to be with someone who lied to him?” Louis mumbles.

“Don’t you believe in soul mates? I think no matter what you guys did or didn’t do it in the past, you guys ending up together is inventible just like me and Perrie.” Zayn said, and of course he believed soul mates and all that other good shit, he was an angel after all.

“I’ll see him, but I’m not making any promises.”

****

“Ughhhhh” Harry groaned stepping into his lonely dimly lit apartment,  
He was tired, so tired, but he knew it was going to be another sleep-less night for him, if Louis wasn’t beside him.

He walked into the kitchen pouring cereal and milk into a blue ceramic bowl, robotically.

He ate alone with his thoughts and then dragged himself into the bathroom, stripping down to nothing before turning on the shower and stepping in not bothering to change the shower settings to warm water.

He got himself off on thoughts of Louis underneath him like he had done the previous nights and breathed softly against the shower tile as his come slid down the shower drain. He was a miserable mess.

He didn’t bother putting on his shirt, opting instead to sleep; we’ll try to sleep, in his boxers.

He lay awake for about 30 minutes before he sighed and turned his bedside lamp on and sat up against his head board.

“Louis.” He said out loud, he knew he wasn’t in the room because he couldn’t feel anything, but he had to try.

“If you’re here, listening to me or I don’t know if you can somehow here me, Can you like I don’t know- appear?” He sounded like a lunatic talking to an empty dark room but he didn’t care.

He sighed when there was no response and turned the lamp back off and lay properly back in bed.

“I can’t sleep without you.” Harry whispered and that’s when he felt the bed dip and Louis presence encasing him, he turned around to see him but there was nobody there.

“I know your there Louis, Please.” He was begging and Louis arms wrapped tighter around Harry.

“Sleep.” Louis said, still he stayed invisible as Harry nodded his head and snuggled closer to Louis, drifting to sleep immediately. 

****

When Harry woke up, he immediately searched the room for Louis, but nothing.

“Louis?” Harry called out, knowing it was a lost cause.

He sighed, he gave himself a little pep talk that he couldn’t do this, he couldn’t beat himself over something that would never happen and he had to stop waiting for something that would never happen. He doesn’t love me, He can’t even feel me. Harry repeated this mantra in his head over and over as he got ready for work.

Still he felt as if he owed Louis a proper good bye, so he went to the only person who seemed to know about Louis, before his shift started.

****

“Harry?” Zayn grumbled, scratching his scalp as he squinted at harry standing in blue scrubs in his hallway.

“Sorry, It’s early did I wake you, I’m sorry.” Harry stuttered apologizing. “I can come back later. Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Zayn laughed “Stop apologizing, come in.” Zayn opened his door wider and let harry in, before shutting the door and leading Harry into the kitchen. Zayn’s apartment   
looked bigger when it wasn’t crowded with drunk people. Art work and graffiti surrounded most of the white walls

“Do you want anything coffee? Tea?” Zayn asked opening the fridge and then closing it again.

“Coffees fine, thanks.” Harry said sitting on the tall brown kitchen stool.

“I’m guessing you’re here to talk to me about Louis?” Zayn asked his back was to Harry he turned the coffee pot on but Harry could almost hear his smile.

“How did you know?” 

“Louis was here too, for the same reason, both of you are quite the couple.” Zayn laughed turning to face his guest.

“Louis was here?” Harry said rushed. “Did he say anything about me?”

“Yeah, he said you guys got in a fight and you kicked him out.” Harry couldn’t ignore the slight anger in Zayn’s tone but he chose to ignore it, Zayn must not know the full story.

“He lied to me.” Harry mumbled taking the warm coffee cup that Zayn placed in front of him.

“Well I don’t think him telling you what he is or rather who he is, is like an easy thing ya know?” Zayn said casually, pulling the chair besides harry out before sitting on it.

“Wait you know that he’s a…” Zayn nodded.

“He told you.” Harry whispered not wanting to sound hurt in front of Zayn, but he was never really well at hiding his emotions.

“No, actually I found out myself I can sense these things because I use to be like him kinda.” Zayn said and Harry’s head shot up.

“Like him?? What do you mean kind of?” 

“Not kind of, I was an angel, I just don’t like to talk about it much.” Zayn said and Harry nodded despite the millions of questions threatening to spill out of his head.

“Was? How did you…” Harry trailed off. “Sorry I’m asking so many questions. I just don’t understand.” Harry sighed resting his face in his palms.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

“What don’t you understand? Zayn asks.

“I don't understand a God who would let us meet, if we could never be together.” Harrys says feeling only a little guilt at questioning religion, god and etc.

“He didn’t tell you.” Zayn huffs.

“Tell me what?

“Err…” Zayn turns his head to look at the door like someone could walk in at any moment and hear him. “Maybe you should ask him.” 

“No, I’m asking you.” Harry demands. And Zayn is quiet, sipping from his mug for what feels like an hour but in reality is probably only a minute or two.

“Louis knows nothing… he feels no fear…no hunger…his only sense is sound.” Zayn finally speaks. “But he’d give it all up.”  
Its Harrys turn to be silent know dissecting Zayn’s words in his mind carefully.

“He loves you that much.” Zayn speaks again.

“I don’t- I’m not understanding.” It seems as if Zayn is speaking in code.

“He can fall. He can give up his existence as he knows it.” Harry wants to ask Zayn to stop talking in code, but Zayn continues. “He can give up eternity and become.....one of us.”  
What???

“It’s up to you.”

“How do you know this?” Harry finally asks.

“Because I did it.”

Harry rests his head on the cold countertop sighing once then twice, before meeting Zayn’s eyes once more.  
“Sorry, I just can’t wrap my head around all of this.”

“Its okay, Louis was the same way when I first told him.” Zayn said and he continued to explain to Harry the way angels worked how they can become human and how they’re bodies can feel you but their minds can’t feel you and how he changed for Perrie, Harry had stayed silent trough most of it, he now understood some of the reasons why Louis was the way he was, how he always felt disconnected or in another world when they touched, how he was so surprised when he had a full hard on, like it had never happened before and how he had told harry he had never had sex before or pizza, fuck how did Harry not see the weird little things before.

“I can’t make him turn human for me, I wouldn’t want him to give up such a big part of his life for me, and I couldn’t ask him for that.” Harry said, pushing his coffee mug away from him. He needed to apologize to Louis make sure Louis knew that Harry didn’t want him to change.

“I think he kind of wants too...I don’t know he never really gives me a full answer when I ask.” Zayn says and Harry just nods, He knows that he can’t be with Louis when he’s this mythical creature, but it would also be incredible selfish for him to ask Louis to be human for him, he needed to see Louis to tell him that he can’t have him give up such a big part of who he is for Harry.

Also he needs to tell him goodbye for real this time because he can’t be with Louis so why not end his suffering now.

“Do you know where he is?” Harry asks.

“I thought he was at your place, didn’t he go there last night?” Zayn asked no judgment in his tone, just curiosity.

“Yeah, but we didn’t talk and he didn’t stay.” Harry said turning away from the pity in Zayn’s eyes.

“Well check the library for him and I’ll call you if I see him.” Zayn said, and he led Harry out with a final goodbye.

****

Harry was late to work, 20 minutes late. But he didn’t care. His first and only priority was Louis.

He checked his watch again, and yes indeed his never being late to work or anything really ‘record’ was now broken.

He pushed the double doors to the grand library open, if Louis wasn’t hear Harry didn’t know what he would do he was running out of options with nowhere else to look.

Oh god what if he already turned human, Harry thought climbing up the stairs.

“Louis I need to talk to you.” Harry whispers, walking in-between the narrow book shelves in hopes that Louis will magically appear.

“Louis, please.” Harry calls, louder this time, struggling to hold back the tears and to get the words evenly out.  
God help me through this, Harry thinks to himself. 

“Please be here.” He huffs, turning down a long bookshelf to the last one on this floor.

He almost yelps in excitement when he sees the shadow of a male at the end of the corridor. He recognizes Louis silhouette instantly.  
Louis head immediately snaps up as Harry nears him.

They both stare at each other with about 10 feet between them but what feels like eternity, before Harry finally speaks.

“You are so beautiful.”  
Louis stay quiet staring at Harry with such intensity that Harry almost falters on his next words.

“You always are.”  
Louis looks down at his shoes then back at Harry, “But?” He asks quietly.

“How do you know there’s going to be a ‘but’?” Harrys asks, eyes wide.

“I’m not naïve” Louis says, he can tell by Harry’s stance and the way that he walked in here with a purpose, Also Louis knows that happily ever after’s don’t happen to people like him.

“I’m sorry” Harry blurts and fucking hell why is it so hard to look at Louis and tell him he can’t see him anymore when louis already knows what Harry’s going to say next.

“Sorry for what? Louis asks but his tone is almost sarcastic.  
And harry hates it harry hates that Louis knows what he’s thinking and what he’s going to say next, he absolutely loathes it. So he says the only thing he can think of that will surprise and throw Louis off.

“Ben asked me to marry him.” He lies.  
But it seems to work because Louis snaps his head up eyes wide, and Harry takes that as his cue to continue.

“He knows me the real me, he understands my work and stuff.” Harry explains, tasting bile in his throat as he spits the lies in front of him, but he continues anyway.

“He-”

“You don’t love him.” Louis says angrily and loudly, abruptly cutting off Harry.  
But Harry’s knows Louis is right, he doesn’t love Ben and can’t ever see himself with ben again, but this makes it easier for him so he knows that Louis won’t change for him if he thinks he’s with Ben.

“He and I are the same.” Harry says instead, not knowing how to deny Louis statement.  
Louis just stares back at him, waiting for him to continue or to shut up all together, Harrys not sure.

“And I need that.” Harry Mumbles, “And I want somebody who can feel my hand when I touch him.”  
Louis stares back at harry like harry just reached across and slapped him.

“But you can feel me, you felt me.” Louis voice is harsh but pleading at the same time.  
Harry stares back at him for too long, eyes blazing.

“I wanted to say goodbye.” Harrys voice crack at the end and he wonders if there’s a way the ground can swallow him whole. “I don’t think we should see each other again.”  
When harry looks back up at Louis, his back is facing him and he’s already making his way down the narrow book cases, not glancing back at the boy whose eyes are filled with tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written by @larriemix on twitter.


	12. Chapter Twelve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> written by @larriemix on twitter

“Fucking finally.” Zayn howled as Louis looked at the ground beneath him, it had to be at least 100 feet.

“It doesn’t feel right man.” Louis shouted back standing on the ledge and turning back to glance at Zayn.

“What you don’t want to do it?” Zayn puffed standing up from a plastic lawn chair and walking closer to the ledge.

“No, no of course I want too, but this, falling to my death doesn’t feel right.” Louis yelled back, the wind was whipping around them and Louis could see down below where people were walking on the pavement where he was supposed to fall.

“Get down.” Zayn calls and Louis does as told and climbs down from the stone ledge.

“You’re a pussy mate.” Zayn laughs and Louis kicks him in shin scowling at him.

“Maybe the other thing you were saying the other way? Maybe that’ll be easier for me??” Louis says because he’s nervous, but fuck if he doesn’t want this so bad.

“Sure, we can try it, I’ll go get the gun from downstairs, and you stay here.” Zayn says and walks towards the exit.

“And stop thinking so much.” Zayn shouts before opening the door and disappearing.

Zayn’s right, he needs to relax and stop thinking, he can do this, he wants to do this.

Louis sits on Zayn’s plastic lawn chair trying to clear his head until Zayn returns with the rifle.

Zayn returns a few minutes later with a large black duffle bag hauled over his right shoulder.

“Jeez, what’s the bag for?” Louis asks, hands jittery.

“Can’t be carrying a 20 inch rifle around the building now can I?” Zayn laughs. “Also, I brought a bunch of extra bullets I’ve never been really good at aim.” Zayn teases and Louis flicks him off, stepping closer to him to peer into the bag.

“Your jokes are not needed right now.” Louis mumbles, and watches as Zayn loads the gun and stands to his feet.

“Where should I stand?” Louis asks, he looks down at his shaking hands and then back up to meet Zayn.

“About 10 or so feet away, and face me.” Zayn says and Louis hums following his orders and giving Zayn a queasy smile.

Zayn lifts the death machine up to his face and brings it up to his eye, before he brings it back down.

Louis lets out a nervous breath. “What?” He asks.

“This is your last chance to say no.” Zayn says, voice firm.

“I thought you wanted me to do this?” Louis questions.

“I do, of course I do, but I’m not like forcing your right? It is your choice.”

“No, you’re not forcing me, I want too.” Louis says convincing himself. “I don’t see a purpose being here, if I can’t be with him.”

Zayn nods, the corners of his lips turning up before he brings the gun back up to his face, he positions it correctly, and just as louis is about to let out one last breath when Zayn presses down on the trigger.

The sound of the bullet piercing through the air is the first thing Louis hears, it’s deafening and before he knows it he’s falling on knees, clutching his chest.

The last thing he sees before he blacks out is the rifle hitting the cement floor with a thud, and Zayn’s loud footsteps running toward him.

****  
He can’t make out on much of what’s going, but he feels his feet moving quickly on the pavement underneath him, and his labored breathing.

Did the transition already happen? He can’t remember, he wants to reach down and feel something, the grass, a rock, maybe even the lace of his shoes, but his feet wont stop moving he can’t force himself to stop.

When his feet finally stop, he realizes he’s in front of Harrys apartment building, he wants to stop he needs to stop, think of a plan on what to do next, what to say.

But his feet already moving again, up the stairs, he notices how empty it all feels, there’s nobody around, not on his way here did he see anybody and no one in the lobby either, everything just feels empty, and he can hear his heart pounding loudly like a bass drum.

He reaches for the door handle, pushing the door open and then he lifts his hand up to his face before bringing it back to door, feeling the door knob.

That’s weird, he can’t feel it, and he doesn’t feel the metal of the door knob against his palm.

He has to go, his brain is fuzzy and nothing is making sense, he can’t be here.

His feet and brain clearly aren’t connecting with each other, because he’s walking through the apartment, no matter how hard he tries to turn around, he can’t.

He can’t make out anything, everything in Harrys place is dark, and he want to find a light switch or open the blinds but he hears a loud moan and then he’s running toward the bedroom almost knocking down the door.

“What the fuck?”

Harrys green eyes are rimmed with tears as he looks up at louis, but bens are dark and the smirk on his face is evident even in the dark, louis can make out their naked bodies pressed up against into each other, and their eyes never leave louis as ben pounds into him and harry stares at him, face red and filled with pain.

“Stop, please stop.” Louis whispers, because he wants to turn around, but his feet are no longer moving, he’s forced to stand and watch.

When ben lets out a strangled moan, Louis yells “STOP.” And then someone’s touching him shaking him, he snaps his eyes open.

“Zayn?” Louis mutters.

“Calm down, calm down.” Zayn is crouching next to him , and louis realizes hes laying on a couch, zayns couch.

He sits up abruptly, the blanket falling off of him to expose his naked torso, “Harry..He-”

“Its okay, its okay, it was a nightmare.” Zayn assures, rubbing his palms on his jeans.

“Perrie he’s up! Bring him some water.” Zayn yells into the kitchen.

“It was so real.” Louis huffs rubbing his eyes together, and that’s when he feels his eyelashes against his palm.

“Oh my god.” He lets out a rush of breath before rubbing his hands and then reaching for the blanket, the pillows and everything else he can get his hand on.

“Holy shit zayn I can feel.” Zayn smiles nodding and Louis can’t help but wrapping his hand around zayn. “I can’t believe it worked.”

****

“Dude your going to break it” Zayn said as Louis fiddled with the radio for the millionth time since he sat in the car.

“Sorry.” Louis hummed, tapping his hand to the beat of some pop boy band song that was blasting through the speakers.

“Nervous?” zayn asked again.

“Excited.” He wasn’t lying, he wasn’t nervous about seeing harry, he was excited that finally he would get to feel him, he was counting down the minutes, the drive from zayns flat was long, too long, he wanted to know what it felt like to kiss the boy he loved, he wanted to touch every inch of his pale skin, the thought along made a weird tingling sensation swoop trough his stomach, a feeling he had never felt before, but he relished in it.

A thought struck him as things started to get familiar through the tinted windows, he knew they were close.

“Wait, what if he like doesn’t want me to stay or something….” Louis thought, suddenly panicking “Oh fuck, what if bens home? I can’t just fly away shit.” Louis said, turning to asmirking zayn.

Zayn reached to turn the radio off, and Louis watched his fingers work, before turning his face back to meet his eyes.

“He won’t, but if bens there just call me the trac phone I gave you has my number programmed in.” Zayn said

Right, Louis thought, feeling his front pocket of jeans zayn let him borrow for the small device, that everyone seemed dependent on.

When the car came to slow and steady stop, Louis felt lke every inch of his skin was burning.

"You ready?" Zayn asks, turning to face louis.

"Ready as I'll ever be." Louis said, grinning back at zayn he felt so bubbly inside his stomach, he couldn't even explain the feeling cause he had never felt this way.

"Good luck man, call me whenever." Zayn said and if louis wasn't mistaken there was tears in his eyes. Louis smiled a wobbly smile before squeezing zayns hand (wow he could do that now) and exiting the vehicle.

He shot zayn one last thumbs up before entering Harry's apartment building.

He took his time walking up to harrys level and took three breaths in and out before lifting his hand and lightly tapping on harrys chestnut door.

"Coming." Harry shouted through the door and louis felt goosebumps all over his pale skin at the sound of his voice and the footsteps approaching the door.

"Louis?" Harry said cracking the door open. "What are you-"

Louis didn't let him speak instead he reached up and grabbed harry, bringing his face down level with his, crashing his lips against his loves. Finally he could feel.

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic is dedicated to the owner of this account flavia (her twitter is @/badpostlwt) shes letting me use her ao3 and post this fic for her on here. This fic is associated with the City Of Angels Movie (1998). My twitter is @/larriemix and my tumblr is larry-grunge.tumblr.com . Thank you for reading and please share.


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